Today is the first day of a the New Year, but for the first time since i got here my mind is in last year more than ever…
To be more specific, towards the very end of the year…. what kind of story?
A love story the one that seems really promising out of a movie script with soundtrack and everything, and even though we look into each others eyes and keep promising each other it’s not going to be another tragedy.
well it was, but it was that kind of tragedy like titanic or romeo and juliet where it all happened so fast and so passionately that even though your heart broke in the end, you don’t regret the journey.
if you could relive it you would over and over even if you couldn’t change the end….
so here is my side of the story, i can’t tell you the whole story… Because every story has three sides, my side, his side and the truth.
why did it end… i can’t tell you for certain, but i can tell you how it began, how it went and my theories on the end….
It was my friends birthday, i retired from going out for a long time now, but this friend as much as i hated the night life and everything that it stood for i had to come out for him, i met a lot people in my 22years.
Most of them bad people, heartless people, who only want to be around you when you flourish and when your good but with one wave of struggle would leave you for dead.
He isn’t like the most, we known each other for three years now…. we never been super close, but he was present for everything that happened in these three years. Had more than enough reason to never speak to me again since we weren’t that close and all of his friends hated me at some point and had nothing nice to say.
yet, he still treated me with kindness and compassion, no matter how bad the stories got, or even worse my reaction to them….and it took me a long time to learn not to react with what these people had to say still even now i blow up sometimes and say way too much expecting people to understand my pain
how can they? in the world that i live in, most people is self-centered even me so it’s really hard to understand emotions in a culture that suppresses them.
He heard things, he saw things…. but he never left.
therefore i had to go, even though i was broke and retired from this life.
Thus the story begins, it was a cold winter night in New England… and I left my house, with leather leggings, a comfy shirt and a warm coat.
If i am going to go out even though I’m retired, ill still dress like someone who’s retired and dress warm….
Me and these two girls that i knew went to my friends pregame in a nice place in the city, we had a couple of shots and i decided to lie down on a couch cause i was tipsy and it was past my bedtime. Debating if i left right when we got to the club if anyone would notice.
it was an achievement in itself i went for the pregame.
the guy, for privacy purposes… names will be changed. lets call him Maverick.
Maverick. was there watching me pass out but i hadn’t notice him yet. i had a trip two brazil in less than two weeks and had more than enough boy drama and i was geninuenly done and asexual to everyone.
i didn’t want to be with anyone, absolutely dreaded the idea of falling in love…
but isn’t that when the best love stories happen? when you least want it, when you least expect it with someone you would have never imagined for yourself
That was Maverick and I, all at once then nothing at all.
It was almost midnight, and prime time at the club, the people we waited for had arrived, so we made our way downstairs.
before we left we took a group picture near a Christmas tree as a cute joke.
i hate pictures… but i just smiled, my friend and the guy who will soon be referred as “Maverick” seemed to really want it, and his face seem sweet and kind. like i wouldn’t mind making this sacrifice for him.
it seemed important to him, he reminded me of my grandfather who cherished every memory. he must’ve suffered an incredible loss, so i respect that, him.
so we posed and took two photos…
we went outside and there was a series of nice cars lined up, the nicest one was this blue car that looked like a ferrari but actually is a corvette, i only saw this car in videos. so i was an awe when i saw it up close. an aerodynamic work of art, a beauty that deserved to be stared at. Tipsy my thoughts escaped my mouth…. “who’s car is this?” it was Mavericks.
Maverick” “it’s mine, lets roll”…. Me: *still in awe staring at the car* Girl1: are you gonna go with him? Me: whaaaa…what?
Girl1: he asked if you wanted a ride! are you gonna go with him?! Me: *confused* uh. sure . ok *walks towards car*
I sat in the car in disbelief, i always dreamed of seeing a car like this in person every time i played Forza on my xbox with my brothers, but as much as i like to dream big i never actually 100% believe that i would be able to ride in one…
It’s not about the price… thats what people don’t understand.
it’s a work of art, is expensive. but even if it was an undiscovered work of art that was free and hidden i would still be in awe to touch it to be inside it, a such an exquisite creation.
the design, sleek, and fast. if there was no traffic no other car in the world, you could cut down travel time by more then half. time travel. it was more than just a car for me.
but of course, as a girl, I’m not supposed to think like this.
So i played down my fascination with cars since I’m tired of being stared at like a total derp every-time i get passionate. i think like cars more than guys like cars. i told my dad when we have money one of my dream is to build a Chevelle SS with him from scratch, another work of art.
i am a Lover of pretty and efficient things reliable, even now i digress from the love story lol.
we went to the club, on our way there we chatted about the car, about dreams, being crazy enough to believe in them and life. i told him where i was from and for the first time he guessed a city near by not the basic big cities people always say. which was cool like really cool.
We went to the club and i was talking in the car how i wanted to leave my coat in coatcheck cause the table always gets so rowdy, we went in and he’s like don’t you want to put your coat in coatcheck? i did but, i didn’t want him paying for me so i said i changed my mind, and ill just leave it at the table.
low-key was going to put my coat in check, when he wasn’t looking, but maverick never really stopped looking…
it was hot crowded and i was bored, my crush said he was going to be there so i decided i would wait a little longer, he showed up, with another girl LOL. he kept trying to talk to me the whole night saying it was no one but i was done, I’m tired of fuckboys just like that i lost my interest, and was disappointed cause he seemed like a really nice guy overtime we chatted.
i spotted Maverick with a bottle, at first i said no when he offered me, but now i really needed a drink i was annoyed so i took a gulp. then i realized why i stopped coming, same people, drama, and honestly sleeping and playing with my dog is so much better than a hangover in the morning.
Maverick and i danced a little bit, it felt good to my surprise, i hate it when guys touch me but with him i didn’t have the urge to run away. which was interesting since even if i like a guy or know a guy i tend to run away from dancing with them, unless I’m wasted i was sober.
truly magic. curious. dangerous.
i didn’t want to investigate this or pursue this, i didn’t want another love, so i left with my girls to the bathroom then went to the other corner of the table when i came back. he called me over, but tempted as i was, dying to fly over the table and feel his warmth. i said “no” with a little regret.
i waited a few minutes, and was incredibly bored, so i decided i was going to go him and sleep its more interesting than this. being in a room full of drunk sweaty people. Maverick looked as bored as me so i texted him i pointed that out and said I’m going to leave
he said he was down to leave too, but i set him straight and told him not to think anything because in this DTF society, you always got to make it clear to guys, that hanging out one on one does not equal sex atleast not for me.
he was cool with it, he gave me water and Advil which impressed me even more, since i thought i was the only grandma who always was prepared every-time i went out to be drunk and with a possible hangover.
Definitely different, we went to IHOP. and talked about life. he told me his secrets, and i spilled my most shameful secrets that not even my best friend didn’t know.
thinking back its so embarrassing i hope he forgot.
i showed the weirdest and quirkiest sides of myself that night, i don’t regret it, 99% i regret opening up to people and showing them who i really am. usually i like it when people think the worst of me whore,slut,crazy,bitchy,evil, etc. i like it like that because then it doesn’t hurt when people hate me, because they don’t hate “me” they hate who they think i am.
See if people actually knew me, the nerdy, emotional , depressed, artsy, prude, tomboy, goody-goody, passionate person that i actually am and didn’t like me, then that would hurt. so i like it my “bad” reputation its funny, and i get to show my real self to only special people, not everyone deserves to know who i am.
but he did. idk why he did.
it usually takes months for me sometimes years, to open up about the things i did that night, but with him i felt safe. a kind of safety i didn’t have in a long time. in where i can expose my soul, laugh, smile and be lame. and ill still be the coolest person ever to him.
what made it even more special. was that i never wanted him to shut up, i wanted him to keep talking i wanted to know every inch of his mind. every time he spoke it was enlightening. it wasn’t boring. like most people i meet. i talk so much but with him i didn’t mind listening, i loved listening for the first time my phone almost died and i couldn’t give less of a fuck about it.
the movie didn’t end there, there was more, i told him about my favorite place in the city a rooftop nobody knew about but it got shut down. it was a place i went to clear my head when things got to heavy and stare at the buildings and little stars i could see from the city.
maverick, took me to his rooftop shortly after i said that, and we sat and stared and the stars together and talked about our happiest memories, and he said his was helping his mom, i told him i wanted to be an astronomer he said at some point he did too, he pointed out some constellations, it was magic…
on our way down from the rooftop, midway he grabbed me and he kissed me. normally i don’t like guys touching me or kissing me especially someone i just met. the only time i allow that to happen is when I’m wasted. but with him it felt right. he wasn’t my type of guy, he wasn’t tall, he wasn’t tan, and he didn’t have dark eyes. but i didn’t care and i kissed him again.
i told him i was a writer he told me to write about us…
we went for a drive and i told him if i went him before 4 it would be a failed night. so we stayed up talking, listening to music, holding hands and kissing till five.
the way he kissed me, it was a way i never been kissed before…. it wasn’t a lustful kiss, it was endearing, kind, you are safe now kiss.
i didn’t want it to stop, never. i didn’t want that night to end. because when it did, this fairytale would be over.
Maverick and I, would not exist not like this… If we did it wouldn’t be as perfect as smooth as fresh as that moment, because the real world is not perfect and it always has a way of fucking up things, love and fairytales especially.
The day ended i went home, the next day he messaged me we chatted all day he already wanted to see me again i wanted to see him as well. However i didn’t want to lose myself in another story, especially one that i didn’t choose for myself it just happened, usually when i go after the tragedy it doesn’t hurt as much, because i did it to myself.
but maverick and i, our connection instant, that moment it was a gift from God the universe, and i wanted to savor it, because everything has to end… and i didn’t want us to. losing that gift would suck,
we ended up talking for over three hours that night though.
the next day we saw each other, and everyday after that.
everyday was like the first night, it was happy the high from our kisses felt better than drugs, and each other’s embrace felt better than any heated blanket.
he met my parents, my dog, and they loved him. and they usually don’t like anyone although they never really met anyone because they didn’t even like when i spoke of them so why would i ever introduce them. but Maverick, they wanted to meet him and he wanted to meet them. I was so nervous but so excited at the same time.
Our story, our movie, it happened incredibly fast, but everything felt right, from the early mornings sneaking me back home, the late movie nights, my sick days and him watching me play GTA, and me going with him on his businesses it felt right, no secrets, no lies. it felt so right.
that was us, we met one day and the next day we were basically living together, breaking barriers with any other person it would take years and patience, maverick was able to climb my walls in minutes, and i was able to let him in.
anyone reading this will think we were together for months and years, but all of this happened in the time frame of two weeks.
meeting my parents, movie nights, me being sick, me cooking for him, cleaning the house, helping him finish moving in, grocery shopping, kmart, his birthday all in two weeks.
then one day it was over…..
whoever is reading this is pissed now, how does such a beautiful story end so suddenly? to be honest i don’t know.
the reason i don’t know. however the end went somewhat like this….. my side of it at least. i don’t have the pieces its are there is more to it, there has to be right?
Things started going south right after our “first time”….
We didn’t have sex yet, for our time together we were high off of each other’s existence person mind and presence.
After our first time he thought i didn’t want him as a man. but i did, God knows i did… but everything was moving so fast, i just wanted to hold off on one thing, take it slow on one thing. maybe i should’ve told him that. my bad, but i didn’t. because i was scared, he wouldn’t understand. i haven’t had sex in over a year, i never got to make the decision in my life, and i just wanted to wait, wait till our bond got even stronger if possible.
don’t get the story twisted he didn’t force me into anything, in fact he was telling me it was fine, but i saw that it really did bother him since he was a man an experienced man, and his happiness was so important to me.
so i went for it, but i was scared and inexperienced and not ready, he felt like shit, i was doing it to make him feel good, but what he wanted more than anything was to make me feel good. i didn’t understand that till later, because i never had that, no man has ever wanted to make me feel good. so i felt like i wasn’t enough, and he deserved someone better than me who can satisfy him. i felt like such shit, so worthless that i could not please “my” man.
i finally found “the one” and i could not make him happy. i cried myself to sleep, because he was so perfect, so kind, so thoughtful, so understanding, so gentle, loving and mine. and i could not love him the way he needed to be loved.
the texts became less frequent, shorter and dry.
in the span of two days after that we broke up……..
the reason i don’t really know. so I’m not going to make assumptions. but it was over text. no conversation. no explanation.
just the end.
i didn’t handle it very well, actually it was pretty terrible. but it was something i needed and maybe it’s “God’s” reason for why it ended like that. But Maverick’s reason i do not know. I broke down, i almost died, it was like every wound ever inflicted by people who i loved opened up to and left. Opened all at once. It wasn’t just losing Maverick for me, it was losing everyone.
the strongest bonds and connections i experienced and lost, relived. Maverick knew me, the real me, he promised he would fight for me, he would help me, he would be my best friend therapist and lover. most importantly he said i could trust him, show him my worst that he would hold me. he would stay. and he didn’t.
so that broke me, because it felt like everyone i ever loved and loss all over from my best friends in the whole world, to the love of my life, a childhood best friend and maverick. all gone at the same time. i didn’t want to exist anymore.
i had an anxiety attack, i stopped breathing, and i finally blurted out to my mom and my ex best friend the only thing i kept secret from them (what really happened on my 21st birthday)
it was a terrible way of opening up, but it wasn’t until i put it out there that i realized how badly it was eating at me taking the blame, playing the villain, for a situation i had no control.
now i feel a weight lifted.
Maverick is gone, but i found peace in his violence and now I’m somewhat okay with myself.
after that fiasco, i said bye to Maverick one last time, and we had sex again this time was amazing, perfect i still dream of it and smile. Literally best sex i had in my life, even though we weren’t a couple and he wasn’t cute and held me right after saying how special i am to him and how proud he is of me for breaking that final barrier.
he didn’t need to, because i wanted him for a long time, i chose to give myself to him, i felt like a woman, i know it wasn’t the best sex he ever had but i know he felt my love for him. even if we weren’t together no more, i was able to express it physically how much i wanted him and needed him. I never was able to that before.
the next day, we stopped talking all together, i got my separation anxiety again after that disaster and blew up his phone out of fear he disappeared, and then really disappeared and told my friend I’m crazy.
i wasn’t offended because i warned him from the very beginning how wild my emotions can get and when i lose control of them i become a different person. not the me that gives magical kisses, makes bomb food, drinks wine, love cars, cuddles and understands.
i don’t know what happened,
everything was perfect, but he couldn’t see past them, he couldn’t see past the storm and see that it was going to blow over and the girl he asked out would still be there, now stronger and more ready than ever to give him love….
the Maverick i thought i knew and fell so quickly like titanic and romeo and juliet where we just met and everything made sense and was just as magical, would’ve stayed, would’ve told me, would’ve kissed my forehead and tell me i still like you you crazy bitch.
he would’ve stayed and we would rule the world together…. and most importantly hang up that damn TV that is probably still on the fucking floor.
Out of all the loves i lived, although brief, he was the best….
He made me better, just by being there and gave me sanity even when he made me insane. Prince Charming. Even right now, on the first day of the year. when i close my eyes and imagine myself waking up next to him and staring into his green eyes. i still whisper to myself “i’m the luckiest girl in there world”
He makes me wish, i could live a couple of things twice.
If i could, Maverick would certainly be one of them, and i wouldn’t change much just probably would’ve had sex sooner to enjoy more of that.
I seen a lot of crazy things. So is it a crazy thing… since although a tragedy, unlike Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. We are both a live.
Just like the first night we met and the first weeks we spent. Maverick is still Maverick and believes in crazy things like love and the impossible. Even though crazy maybe stupid, since he never gave me a reason, he would cross my sky again and keep his promises.
TL;DR : Promise kept Maverick I wrote about us. make the movie.
on that note Happy New YEARS! first post first love story!