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6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

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Shadow

Lately, I don’t really want to leave the house, or let my hair down anymore.

I find myself eating, sleeping, working and repeating. On my days off I isolate myself in my room, absolutely no desire to leave my house…

I don’t know what happened but I lost my motivation to live. I just want to be in bed, it’s an achievement that willed myself to write this and even sit outside today.

There was a time I was more alive, but I honestly don’t even remember what that looked like, when a think back it seems like it didn’t really happen.

Lately I am a shadow of the person I used to be and I have to figure out a way to pull my self back into self love.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

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Rum and Coke

How times have changed….

The moment I realize this are in the very simple things that would’ve gotten me killed when I was younger,

before I sit down and write I casually decide to pour myself a little bit of rum and coke unbothered to who is watching me. Yet I can’t help but reflect at a different time when I was 16

I would wait for my parents to be asleep, tip-toe downstairs each step I took closer to the liquor cabinet my heart raced as every little sound in the background made me jump, and when I finally got to my goal I would come up with some clever way to conceal what I just did. Like get clear liquor and put in an empty water bottle and drink it straight.

During those years I became a phenomenal liar. The trick is believing what you’re saying is the truth, that what you actually have is just water, that what you actually did is just go to the bathroom.

It’s funny to think today I casually reached in that same liquor cabinet in broad day light in-front of the same people I was terrified of catching me unbothered as if I was getting a glass of water. How times changed, at the same time it didn’t I’m doing the same thing but in a hassle free way.

Life is interesting in that sense, some of your actions stop becoming severe in consequences while others amplify. Yet the actions are still the same just in different timelines. Isn’t that something…

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I Knew, I know

I knew he loved me not because he said it, but because from the moment he met me he never promised me anything. He didn’t make plans with me that never were going to happen, he didn’t lie to me and make me believe in something that didn’t exist just to get into bed with me.

What I learned is a lot of people will lie, to get a taste of you and leave as soon as they do whether they want to admit to it or not.

He didn’t, even when he let me go, he watched over me, during a drunk night even after a fight he give me water; didn’t let me call a cab and would drive me home.

I knew he loved me, because he had every opportunity to waste my time and he didn’t, and even though he knew he was the best version of himself with me, he left because he knew I deserved better.

I knew he loved me, because if I were to walk in the same room as him he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of me.

I know he loves me, because he would sacrifice everything for my well being over and over again, regardless of circumstances, even his own happiness.

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The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

Posted in Mask Off, Poetry

Supply and Demand

You sir,

You are not nice

If you were nice you wouldn’t of left me to wander

Asking questions and second guessing

Everyone and everything

If you were nice you wouldn’t of ruined love for me

If you were nice you would’ve

Talked to me, before you left

You would’ve said goodbye

Most importantly told me how and why

So I could still believe in the good in men

Instead of feeling stupid

For letting you take me to the top of the world

Only to push me down

Without any rhyme or reason

Simply just cause

Cause what?

I no longer believe in love

Just ulterior motives

Supply and demand

Usefulness and exchanges

If there ever was magic its gone

No longer to be found

-G.S

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Day 14 – Go to Sleep

It’s amazing how peaceful someone looks when they are sound asleep

Angelic almost

Even villains look harmless when they’re asleep

It’s the only time the jadedness they carry with them everyday melts away

Once again inexperienced

As if I got to touch you for the first time…

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Day 13 – Check

Do you ever just watch people?

I know it’s a little bit creepy but incredibly entertaining, to observe what people do when they think no one is looking at them.

People are so big on privacy but they reveal a lot about themselves almost every second

Just like you may see a picture of a stranger and not knowing them at all just with a simple glance of them in whatever moment

You can imagine what they’re personality is like,

It wasn’t until modern times people watching became kind of creepy but before words and stories this was our source of entertainment and knowledge

Now it’s more an invasion of privacy, even though you’re out in public. Often linked to ulterior motives.

However I have no ulterior motive in watching you pretend to be happy when I know for a fact although you hide it very well you would rather be anywhere else right now

There’s no ulterior motive I’m just incredibly bored, and seeing how long you last before you finally break is incredibly entertaining to me

How long can a person pretend for…

For me it wasn’t very long, until I absolutely lost my mind, yet here you are where I was 2 years ago.

Even though this isn’t you, it’s very entertaining to watch you pretend I wonder if they can see right through you as well and are making bets and fucking with you behind your back

To see how long you’ll last, you think they’re dumb but these people

They’re so smart…

“Check”

How are you going to get out?

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Day 12 – Story Time

If you haven’t ever told a story to a kid or anyone

Try it, even to yourself

Stories are literally one of the best past times known to man

Without storytelling you wouldn’t have all these cool tv shows you binge watch or books you read

And when you write your own story in a journal it’s soo much fun

Especially if life is hard or dull

You can be a princess, or prince, a hero or a villain. You can live in a mansion or another planet. When you write a story you have all the freedom in the world. it can be as simple and complex as you desire

It can be anything or nothing at all

We constantly complain about when things aren’t our way but by telling a story you have to make it exactly how you would want it

So how would that look like?