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Day 12 – Story Time

If you haven’t ever told a story to a kid or anyone

Try it, even to yourself

Stories are literally one of the best past times known to man

Without storytelling you wouldn’t have all these cool tv shows you binge watch or books you read

And when you write your own story in a journal it’s soo much fun

Especially if life is hard or dull

You can be a princess, or prince, a hero or a villain. You can live in a mansion or another planet. When you write a story you have all the freedom in the world. it can be as simple and complex as you desire

It can be anything or nothing at all

We constantly complain about when things aren’t our way but by telling a story you have to make it exactly how you would want it

So how would that look like?

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Day 11 – I can’t let you go

Im getting all dressed up

And I kinda feel dumb

Im trying to prove a point… that’s my problem I’m always trying to prove a fucking point

Right now I’m trying to prove a point to myself that I’m hot af that I can go anywhere in miami and have anyone.

That I don’t need you and I can have even more fun without you

But as im finishing putting on my make up I feel like that’s a stupid fucking point to prove.

Sure if I go through with this I’ll probably get into the nicest club and with the hottest guys but I already know that

I did that two years ago…. last time I was here and it’s a stupid point to prove. One that already happened.

If I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t miss you then that’s a dumb lie… so this is dumb I’m just going to stay home. And not put myself through that only to find out what I already know,

That I can’t let you go… getting drunk will just make it worse and sober I can manage it, sober I can let go of you, almost like it never happened.

So let me start the new year like that not dragging myself through the dirt for someone who doesn’t even care, who isn’t even there…

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Day 10 – Place Holder Friends

So I’m going to make up a new term for certain type of friendships. I’m going to call them placeholder friends

Just like in mathematics the number zero is a place holder number it exists but has no value it’s just there to look pretty

Place holder friends are the same way they are there to fill the gaps, but would I go on adventures with them randomly and talk about that time in middle school when…

Or even speak to them other to remind myself of how many “friends” I have, probably wouldn’t. But they aren’t exactly acquaintances either because they know me a little better than most people so they kind of get grandfathered into the friend category

However there’s a lot of them, so now I’m referring them as placeholder friends, for lack of a better term

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Day 9 – rubix whatever

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Is what I’m screaming inside as I silently lay down.

Working with people is like a rubix cube sometimes. You think you’re getting somewhere but you’re actually making it worse

Although I’m told to assume positive intent most people have a cold heart filled with jealousy hate insecurities

So in this world I’ll be naive if I keep assuming positive. In a selfish world like this is best to assume negative and lament their lacking souls

People say a lot of things but they hardly act on it….

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Day 8- Rich white man

Sometimes I wonder,

Would my life be easier if I was a rich white man, if I could afford to make you shut up

If I could pay away my problems and use my sex as a power

How easy must it be to walk away from your problems when your virtually untouchable

When your race shields you your green eyes empowers you your penis let’s you go everywhere you like most importantly your money shuts all your problems up

Must be nice, can’t relate

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Day 6 – Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I would chain smoke cigarettes before class keep a bottle of vodka in my locker then by a fountain drink and fill my cup with vodka instead

I would party everyday of the week go into work hungover or sometimes drunk and not sleep at all, I would fall asleep on stairs kiss literal snakes dance on tables

It would be mid winter and I would go out in a miniskirt practically naked into clubs and bars I was not old enough to get in but got in anyways

I would hang out with drug dealers in their trap houses listen to their stupid SoundCloud, I would get high when I was not already drunk

And this was life for a while, A collage of drugs alcohol … surrounded but felt so lonely. One day I got out of it. And I fell in love madly in love with someone who still lived for that shit

And I’m still crying over him never to love ever again. You wanted a happy ending? There isn’t any…

I had my heartbroken and it’s staying broken, because after you meet your person no other will suffice so why try.? And I can’t ever go back to that life

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Day 7 – A lot has changed

My hair is longer now, it’s almost back to its original length

Before I had my breakdown and dyed it gray then eventually had to chop it all off

my hair is almost back to its original length

However the color will never be the same, my hair is naturally black but it’s been light brown for a year now

No matter how much I grow it out the light brown empowers the black

The lesson I take from this maybe there was never a normal to begin with maybe there was a pure untouched and then there was a corrupt

And despite me chilling out it will never go to its pure untouched stage the curls will never follow as they used to and the deep dark will never be quite deep and dark

Maybe people do shit to their hair when they have a crisis cause it sometimes is a reflection of their soul

In a way our whole body is kind of the concept in Dorian Gray the more people sin the more it shows on their person

Before I thought it was king far fetched but looking at my hair and my body now I believe it, maybe if I didn’t do half the things I did and got hurt in unspeakable ways I would be more preserved

But if you met me three years ago and you see me now a lot has changed

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Day 5- you know what?!

I literally just woke up, and I put on one of my sexiest underwear and I looked myself in the mirror totally feeling myself

Even though I gained some weight still feeling myself

Then I stared at myself a little more and I thought man if only ____ could see this he would love it. Shortly after at that thought I put my shirt down

And I was like “No! He doesn’t deserve me anymore! Where did my self respect go?! If he ever wants this again he better earn it!”

Then I smiled because I realized I’m starting to love myself again… and starting to realize he’s not as great as I thought, and this is the beginning of what can be an amazing day ✨

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Day 4 – Water and Advil

Before you go consume alcohol always make sure to put water and Advil beside your bed

Make your bed before you go out

Pick up any mess

And leave ur place with good vibes

Your drunkself will thank you

Although she/he may not deserve that much love if she is anything like my drunkself

But kill her/him with kindness… so your soberself can somewhat function in the morning and do as much damage control as she/he can, with whatever that pesky little drunk did a few hours before

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Day 3 – Glass Shatter

That glass shattering moment it’s real

And it never stops happening throughout your life even when your 80 there will still be a moment where you’ll realize you been fucking up

That you been absolutely delusional, and it will make perfect sense why so and so never wants to fucking talk to you again

It’s going to be painful it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel so sorry for every time you argued with people convinced you’re right

My advice lay low, be productive, cry it out, let it out, then pretend it never happened, rebuild yourself so much stronger

That this time in your life will be such a distant memory no one will ever link up you and this anymore

But if you freak about it’ll just get worse and people will hold it against you because it has power

And people live for leverage over other people don’t give it to them.