Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Little Fears

12/13/17

Hey babe,

There are something you don’t know, actually a lot of things you don’t know about me… although you know more than most, there is still a lot you don’t know even though we spent every waking minute of the past two weeks together.

Honestly it probably was the best two weeks of my life… From you stealing a kiss down that fire escape, meeting my parents, and drinking cheep wine and teaching me chess on Friday instead of your usual shenanigans.

Thank you for giving me those two weeks of your life, putting aside your regular routine for me.

 

08/25/2018

I haven’t seen you in months nevertheless spoke to you, although I call you almost everyday and you never pick up.

Except for a few days ago, to my surprise you weren’t angry or told me to fuck off which is what I would expect when you finally answer the person who won’t leave you alone.

The sound of your voice was probably would feel like you could say anything and it would still feel like the ultimate high. Mind control I’ll do anything AND EVERYTHING you ask me, you know that too.

When you’re giving the pain I don’t care if it’s hurting me.

Maybe I’m smarter than I look, maybe I’m more calculative then I look, yeah I suck at chess but maybe just maybe I don’t suck that much at life.

What if I knew all along, about my terrible addiction to you, and the best way to make you run is calling you everyday. What if I’m more afraid then you are, of being with you again and the reason I won’t leave you alone is my way of guaranteeing you won’t comeback.

Because part of me knows, you’re just as addicted as I am, although you never answer with my constant nudging you feel my presence and you get your fix and with my constant nudging I know you won’t look for me and I get my fix.

What if I stopped, pushing you away and just vanished as I usually do, I’m almost certain you would comeback and I just can’t.

So if keep calling, you stay away, or once and for all you give me direct closure and close the window.

truth is, I’m more afraid of us than you….

The reason why? I don’t want to be loved. I don’t deserve it.

 

8

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

The Manger

I wasn’t born in a golden crib, I’m not sure if I said this before but I really wasn’t.

Compared to those who are still back home some might say I do live a privileged life… “now” however it wasn’t always that way.

There was a time I only had used worn out clothes from donations, a time where I didn’t have many outfit options and wore the same thing almost everyday.

A time Burger King was all my family ate because we couldn’t afford anything more. The beauty in children though is that they are so innocent, and oblivious to certain things like money. That hard times don’t actually feel that hard.

When my parents actually were able to afford clothes for us we would get them at

K-Mart, I was oblivious to brands like Children’s Place, Hollister, Abercrombie. A lot people reading this might feel bad, because they might not be familiar with the struggle.

Don’t you don’t need to feel bad for me, I had an amazing childhood because I didn’t have a privileged life, when you can’t afford certain things you don’t real care for them. Sure I didn’t have any cool toys, but because of that I had my imagination and made a game out of everything.

It was harder for my parents then it was for me, and now as an adult I can only imagine what is like to see your kids grow in used clothes, and eat burger king all the time. They probably felt terrible, I would feel terrible. But honestly they didn’t have to because we were so unaware to these things to reality.

I wouldn’t trade my humble beginnings for anything, because of them I know more than one life, and I can appreciate all the comfort I have now.

When you are born into a golden crib you don’t realize it’s made of gold , but when you are born into a manger you can tell the difference and appreciate it if you ever have it.

 

7

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

PTSD of Party Life

I know I am twenty three and I am way too young to alienate myself like I am doing here….

But the thing is I feel as I made so many mistakes, a lot of mistakes most of them I can’t I can’t fix. Maybe my biggest fear is repeating them, maybe my biggest fear is waking up hungover and throwing up my brains out and spending a day in bed.

A day of my life.

Most importantly is waking up and feeling like death and having no one to help me or take care of me. I’m tired of being left for dead.

It’s exhausting.

Everything is intense with me, love, sex, parties… I feel like I’ll never be able to control it so I just chose to do away with it.

I admit it’s very unhealthy to alienate myself like this, but I don’t know any other way to keep myself from cheap thrills vises and all the other worldly highs life has to offer.

All of it seemed fun and harmless when I was young, but then I learned how quickly you can become a part of it and lost to it, the easiness of it all. Nothing meaning anything and everything feeling great.

It’s like being in a trance. However the bliss is so real in the moment, but I kept on waking up every morning and thinking about a life that only existed at night. For a while that did it, that was enough, more than enough it was everything.

Until it wasn’t…

I started mixing night with day, and I had a good and stable day life.

However, I didn’t realize that until I lost it… Until I could no longer be responsible throughout the day and reckless throughout the night and repeat.

I had almost everything but I felt as if I had nothing, and took me having lost all those things to realize, crap uhh “I fucked up.”

Somehow I got PTSD from the party life, seeing how quickly it can destroy you in a matter of what it feels like seconds and then escaping and snapping back to yourself while realizing that you “friends” “companions” are stuck in that trance for life.

No matter how much you try to shake them out of it. Night life becomes like a cult, a cult where you are trapped and don’t realize you are trapped. Where you waste energy money and time and you don’t even realize it.

 

You think people like you for you, but they either want to undress you or take something from you.

Im sure its unhealthy to think like this, but when if you fell as deep as I did. You would realize just one night back scares the shit out of me, the lights, the euphoria, the sounds.

It’s not that I hate it, it’s that I might love it too much and not be able to escape.

 

6

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Wonderful ✨

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if we could all communicate like adults verbally, politely, and thoroughly without disrespect, pride or fear.

Wouldn’t be a wonderful world, to accept that there are kind people in the world who still care and love you regardless of how much you hurt them because they know your heart and they just want you to be okay no strings attached.

Wouldn’t that be so fucking cool? To respect and love one another just cause? To face everything you fear with a straight face good or bad.

I learned these things at a young age; when life gave me no where to run except to face an uncomfortable situation… I been facing them ever since.

However some people are older than me and still doesn’t get the meaning of this. Nevertheless I’ll will mention them in my prayers and not give up.

Because if it wasn’t for my friends who didn’t give up on me when I was being unreasonable, uncommunicative, disrespectful in every aspect of the word. I don’t know where I would be today.

So I swore to myself I can lose my mind, I can lose trust, even my heart. But I’ll never fully turn my back on someone. I’ll never completely lose my patience.

I will always be there for who needs me, even when they don’t think they do.

5

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Surviving Childhood

I first started to write at the age of 9,

It was my escape from reality, living in a country and a place I never felt welcomed in, I decided to create a world of my own.

A world without so much pain, a world where magic exists at every turn. Everyday I would come home from school and write about me and my two best friends.

In my world we were princesses and when we got into fights they became witches, and when we made up the curse was reversed and they were back to princesses.

Where us three would rule our kingdom for all of eternity.

Do whatever we want, like eat loads of chocolate and stay up past midnight. It was really fun.

In my diary everyday was an adventure full of light…

Maybe I couldn’t apply the light to my real life back then; but in my diary it could’ve been a day where I went home crying because kids were making fun of me since I couldn’t speak English; yet at the end of the night I would sneak into my little world with my pen and paper, and have the best time of my life.

With my best friends, and thats how I survived my childhood.

4

 

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Without You

I’m here without you, and it’s okay for the most part.

Although you’re no longer here to put your arm around my shoulder as we figure this thing called life with all it’s plot twist and turns

I’m alright

After finding you and making love, I no longer watch sex scenes in romantic movies and tell myself that doesn’t exist or wonder as if it’s never going to happen for me

When you make love with someone I feel like you become one in a way, I don’t know where the fuck you are, who you are with and what you’re doing

But like I said I’m okay

Which is weird kind of right? But I feel as if we created something original and irreplaceable in those moments together

No one could ever compare and I don’t think I would want anyone to, not any time soon Atleast

For the first time in my life I’m content with being lonely and I wanna drown in this for as long as I can, it’s a bliss that I don’t want it to be disrupted

Even in your absence I still feel your company stronger than ever sometimes. Isn’t that amazing and a little bit crazy. Life is crazy I guess.

I miss you but I don’t want you here does that make any sense? Because if I see you I’m not going to let you go again and although we’re somehow tethered together

There are a few things I wanna do and a few people I want to meet before I make my way back to you

Which I’m sure I will; not in a future terribly far from now. I just have this feeling I can’t shake.

Or maybe I’m crazy. But any who I’m okay baby and I know you are too.

3

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Girl at the party

In a crowded room..

A party to be more specific, I would be the girl watching you.

All of you….

 

Dressed to blend in, little make up not to draw too much attention, although on a occasion even then some people seem to notice me anyway.

Usually envious glares from girls because I don’t even try and somehow I end up chatting with the hottest guy, unintentionally.

I’m just here to people watch, I don’t like participating.

 

In the dark corner drinking a martini, and just watching. As the night progresses some of the wasted people get a glimpse of me, they ask me to dance I politely decline, back to invisibility.

 

I know, it sounds creepy, but from where I’m standing it’s very entertaining.

 

The girls compliment each others dress with a slight twitch of anger in their faces with that comment, the guy with the girlfriend took way too many shots and now is hitting on a easy girl

Easy girl is insecure she knows his girlfriend but doesn’t mind as he grabs her by her butt and carries her.

*sips*

Why did I come here again?

Now it gets interesting my cover is blown and I get brought to the VIP table.

Familiar faces from an old life all over

Ironically they are singing “everyday we lit” but they are dying inside

Reminding me why I left this life

 

The men start grabbing me and in order to not get into a fight I get my jacket and call it a night. As fun as it is people watching, I don’t like being the girl at the party, ill keep up with this bullshit watching reality TV.

Don’t want be mistaken for one of these animals, it isn’t me.

 

 

2

 

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

I’m Not White

The other day I made friends with homeless people, I was drunk. When I say that I don’t mean it in that way as if I made a mistake. It wasn’t I don’t regret it, I wish I had the same amount of courage when I am sober.

We are all bias in a way, we prejudge everything based off what we hear alcohol just eliminated what white middle class society has enforced on me…

(ironically I’m not white but growing up in the US mainstream media has brainwashed me to believe thats what I should be)

but at that moment everyone and everything was the same as it should be… “all men are made equal” and deep in my core I believe that to be true

However, during my sober daily life as I walk passed a person who does not belong to my group of pretentious people I feel threatened and make my self small as so they won’t notice me…

The other day tho, I was one with everyone. Everyone was my friend.

I had no skin color, no social class, no furthered education

I was just simply me, whatever that is

 

 

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