Posted in Mask Off

Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Mask Off

Wishful Hope

I wish I had someone to talk to when things got too overwhelming, or someone who makes me feel special on days like this which I couldn’t feel anymore close to insignificant.

On most days I don’t need this kind of company since I been going it alone for a while now, don’t get me wrong I had relationships and friendships but none of them were really substantial to confide these internal struggles to.

Maybe part of my problem is I notice too much, I don’t have the bliss that most people have in their ignorance. Although sometimes I like to pretend for the sake maintaining peace, if I don’t call you out we can go on pretending like it never happened, and you’re still an amazing person.

Although you’re not

This isn’t specific to a romantic relationship or a certain friendship this applies to all my relationships regardless of their nature

My brother told me today, he wishes he was as attractive as me and that I’m lucky.

I told him he has it wrong, being a girl and this attractive is a curse. To make it simple I just said no guy “cares what my favorite color is”

They just care the color of my underwear… it’s sad but it’s true. It comes in handy because I can get anywhere I want just as long as I laugh and smile, I can get a high paying job in the nicest city

Which I have, but there’s a high chance I’ll never have love. I’ll have sex, I’ll have lust, I’ll have company. But love is something i probably won’t have.

I’m not a pessimist I’m a realist, this world objectifies girls like me, it does not care what’s behind my brown eyes, at least in the city at least at this point in time.

I’m optimistic that one day that will change, that someone will care about my favorite color and hobbies, will understand I suffer from depression and anxiety instead of holding it against me

Will love me even more and make me feel like I’m not a freak for somedays not wanting to wake up sometimes, or be able to comfort me when out of no where I lose my breath my heart starts racing and I feel like I’m suffocating

As will I love him an accept him with his flaws just the same, and love his flaws even more because that’s what makes him, him.

However I haven’t met him yet, so today I feel insignificant and on my own and a little bit suffocated

But I lay here with hope one day I will be someone’s whole world, and I won’t ever feel like this again

Posted in Mask Off

Whispers

I can’t see it

But I can feel it on my skin

Slowly it trickles in my body

Drip by drip

Anxiety it’s sinking in

 

I put on my clothes

Then put on my face

Hoping it wont show

How fast my thoughts race

Smile get on with my day

 

In today’s society

We can’t think too much

It causes distaste

Whisper your thoughts quietly

When you speak don’t let them know your name…