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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

Posted in Mask Off

Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Different Poets, Mask Off, Poetry

What I want

Strong arms

Soft lips

you hold me tight

Love it when I dance with you

I’m not the best dancer

But your the best lover

I couldn’t imagine life without you

Is that what you wanted me to say?

Sorry I’m not prefect

Your no shiny prize either

I deserve someone better

I deserve the love of another

This isn’t love

Its something less deeper

Not love

Not hate

Just not what I want

Better off as friends

Before we rip this thing called

Friendship

Apart

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I Knew, I know

I knew he loved me not because he said it, but because from the moment he met me he never promised me anything. He didn’t make plans with me that never were going to happen, he didn’t lie to me and make me believe in something that didn’t exist just to get into bed with me.

What I learned is a lot of people will lie, to get a taste of you and leave as soon as they do whether they want to admit to it or not.

He didn’t, even when he let me go, he watched over me, during a drunk night even after a fight he give me water; didn’t let me call a cab and would drive me home.

I knew he loved me, because he had every opportunity to waste my time and he didn’t, and even though he knew he was the best version of himself with me, he left because he knew I deserved better.

I knew he loved me, because if I were to walk in the same room as him he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of me.

I know he loves me, because he would sacrifice everything for my well being over and over again, regardless of circumstances, even his own happiness.

Posted in Mask Off

Day 1 – Drama Free

Pro tips for a drama free life

– burn sage

– meditate

– if you’re getting stressed about what a certain group of people are thinking or saying about you CUT THEM OFF even if they’re your “friends” real friends don’t have you watching over shoulder and feeling like you need to be on your A game to hang

-Tea drink a lot of teaaa and water

– Read books

– Party less sleep more!

– Do one nice thing for yourself daily, be nice to yourself… (still working on that one)

-Most importantly trust God, The Universe whatever higher power you believe in trust them that they will make everything a okay! 🥰

Posted in Mask Off

Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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Everything and Nothing

You’re my bestfriend

The one I tell all my secrets too

At the same time

My worst enemy

The one that cuts the deepest

Yet you’re my lover

Who’s touches leave me breathless

Also my peace

The sound of your voice soothes me to sleep

Most days my happiness

At the sight of you no tears are present

Most importantly you’re my courage Because when it comes to you I’m not afraid to say “love” and mean it wholeheartedly

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Little Fears

12/13/17

Hey babe,

There are something you don’t know, actually a lot of things you don’t know about me… although you know more than most, there is still a lot you don’t know even though we spent every waking minute of the past two weeks together.

Honestly it probably was the best two weeks of my life… From you stealing a kiss down that fire escape, meeting my parents, and drinking cheep wine and teaching me chess on Friday instead of your usual shenanigans.

Thank you for giving me those two weeks of your life, putting aside your regular routine for me.

 

08/25/2018

I haven’t seen you in months nevertheless spoke to you, although I call you almost everyday and you never pick up.

Except for a few days ago, to my surprise you weren’t angry or told me to fuck off which is what I would expect when you finally answer the person who won’t leave you alone.

The sound of your voice was probably would feel like you could say anything and it would still feel like the ultimate high. Mind control I’ll do anything AND EVERYTHING you ask me, you know that too.

When you’re giving the pain I don’t care if it’s hurting me.

Maybe I’m smarter than I look, maybe I’m more calculative then I look, yeah I suck at chess but maybe just maybe I don’t suck that much at life.

What if I knew all along, about my terrible addiction to you, and the best way to make you run is calling you everyday. What if I’m more afraid then you are, of being with you again and the reason I won’t leave you alone is my way of guaranteeing you won’t comeback.

Because part of me knows, you’re just as addicted as I am, although you never answer with my constant nudging you feel my presence and you get your fix and with my constant nudging I know you won’t look for me and I get my fix.

What if I stopped, pushing you away and just vanished as I usually do, I’m almost certain you would comeback and I just can’t.

So if keep calling, you stay away, or once and for all you give me direct closure and close the window.

truth is, I’m more afraid of us than you….

The reason why? I don’t want to be loved. I don’t deserve it.

 

8

Posted in Mask Off

Be Selfish

For the most part throughout our lives we are taught being selfish is a bad thing, and you should always put others before you in order to be a “good” and “considerate” person, this might not be necessarily true in all cultures and bless them for not having this mindset.

In Western culture for the most part being selfish is wrong. With that mindset they fucked up.

The other cultures who don’t practice selfness above selfishness know that, in order to be a truly effective selfless person you need to be selfish.

What?

Yeah, well it’s true, in order to give back and think of others and being considerate effectively you have to be 100% in touch with yourself.

To be 100% in touch with yourself you NEED to be selfish, you NEED to cancel those plans with your friend because you are tired and need to sleep, you NEED to tell your significant other to wash their own damn dishes because it’s simply not your job to pick up after them all the time, you NEED acknowledge that your friend has crossed the line regardless of the amount of times they saved your life and walk away from them,

Most importantly you NEED to stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.

Be selfish be angry, tell so and so they fucked up cause they did cause it will make you feel better. express yourself. Stop being so considerate all the fucking time.

When you stop being considerate, and selfless and stop taking shit from people, you learn more about yourself. After 24hours of doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, when you want to do it, and just speaking however you want to speak no constraints.
You kind of get this super power, and with that super power you realize all those times you were “selfless” you weren’t really selfless because you were acting in a form to maintain an image follow an unspoken social rule

After you break all the rules and realize its actually healthy and not bad, when you choose to be selfless you are actually “selfless” because it isn’t an unspoken obligation but because you actually chose to be selfless knowing that you could be selfish.

makes sense?

If you do something out of duty and obligation you aren’t really doing something, but if you do it because it was your choice and you wanted to then you are 100% there and the whole point of selflessness is for it to be 100% you.