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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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I think in a previous life, I loved very passionately… To the point it would influence my every decision. Love was being my every motive. Every breathe, blink, thought in the name of love…. It was my obsession.

Without love… I was nothing… It was my food, my medicine, my power source, my everything. It was the ulterior motive behind every friendship, every plan. To get the one I “loved” at that moment.

Now I can hardly recall the taste of passion, I vaguely remember what it feels like. To love so deeply it feels like your soul is on fire. I remember I used to live for it breathe for it, however I no longer feel that burn within me.

Maybe I burnt it out, while I was pursuing and got too close.

I’m in love, but I fear I’ll never feel THAT love. Yet I think it’s for the best. I don’t think people are meant to stumble through life unable to see their surroundings being lead by an obsession.

Now I see there’s a world to explore, and I’m confident I’ll fall in love with it than with an individual. I rather be obsessed with the world as whole anyway, because whether your obsessed with it or not, the world determines your life? Why not fall in love with it? Every living thing…. Everything that ever was or will be.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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Day 1 – Drama Free

Pro tips for a drama free life

– burn sage

– meditate

– if you’re getting stressed about what a certain group of people are thinking or saying about you CUT THEM OFF even if they’re your “friends” real friends don’t have you watching over shoulder and feeling like you need to be on your A game to hang

-Tea drink a lot of teaaa and water

– Read books

– Party less sleep more!

– Do one nice thing for yourself daily, be nice to yourself… (still working on that one)

-Most importantly trust God, The Universe whatever higher power you believe in trust them that they will make everything a okay! 🥰

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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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My Sick Pleasure

i like his touch, because that is the kind of touch i’m used to…

The one that hurts just a little, but doesn’t kill. The aggression  feels like home. Feels like “love” the only love i know.. is the one that hits you all at once, like a swarming body of water you drown in it a little bit.

Something about that moment you are gasping for air makes it so real, makes you appreciate life a little more, when you lose your breath.

It’s a sick pleasure, but i am addicted to the pain, physical, emotional and mental. A moth that keeps getting burned. I love being happy and on top. Once again happiness makes me scared, because when it leaves i don’t know when it will be back… sometimes it feels like forever.

Pain however, is always there reminding me that it’s never going to leave. It’s a fucked up sense of stability, but no matter how my life changes it will always be there.

I think Pain is misunderstood frequently kind of like myself. Everyone thinks there is something wrong with pain, because it causes hurt and discomfort. Without pain how ever, you would be numb, oblivious to reality.

Hasn’t anyone told you the truth is ugly. It’s because the truth goes hand in hand with Pain. But like pain the truth is what keeps you awake and alive.

Although, I don’t recommend my sick addiction to it, however pain in certain quantities is healthy and necessary for survival.

However i become to used to it’s company and sometimes it kills me…


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Page 2: Arabella

Rewind, before it got to this point….

There was love, happiness and sun. Arabella and Thomas we’re a match made in heaven.

So perfectly did their hands intertwine, even the haters couldn’t deny their magic.

But Arabella was a “whore”…

Or so the story goes amongst the commoners.

Thomas well, Thomas was a noble man from a foreign land… with a pure heart and a naive mind.

When he heard the rumors , even though unable to stay away from the sun kissed

raven hair beauty. He could not shake the cruel words of the others.

His heart didn’t believe it and loved her regardless. But his mind often wondered whenever she wasn’t around.

“Arabella a whore…”

Page 2

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The only place you’re alive is in my memories, so I’ll be thinking about you so I can keep you here with me 

Those who says love dies have never loved at all, because whenever I can’t sleep I close my eyes and go back to that moment where I fell asleep in the worst place and when I opened my eyes you were looking at me and keeping me safe.

Although I can’t remember when I last saw your face, the thought of you keeps me warm on cold days.



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I’m Not Ashamed

I’m not ashamed

Of the things I done

The things I said

Whether in person

Or via text

I am who I am

A person

With a stubborn heart

Universe in my mind

Finding light in the dark

Most in my place

Wouldn’t show their face

Once they realized their mistake

However I face them with no disgrace

It’s my cross that was placed

I can carry its weight

Sometimes it gets heavy

Life escapes me

But I push myself back up

Brush off the dust

I believe in God

He told me to carry this

Because gave me his trust

I’ve betrayed many

But for him my loyalty is steady

For he knows my heart

Understand my soul

Keeps all the secrets

That no one knows

Shows me after every end a new start