Posted in Mask Off

Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

Posted in Mask Off

Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Mask Off

Playing it safe?

Right now i am sitting in my bed room, and i am struggling to breathe… The reason being i am terrified.

I haven’t written in weeks, but right now it’s the only thing that can put me at ease.

You see i have a lot of feelings and words in my heart right now and it’s overwhelming me. I managed to pretend i have none like everyone for the past two months.

I put aside my journal and drawing pencils and replaced them with make up and work. Exhausting myself the first half of the week so i can just get home and pass out and the other half of the week get dressed up and go out.

It’s what everyone does right? It’s having my shit together. Whenever i draw and i write feelings just seep out of me and they’re scary.

especially “love”, the scariest of them all.

i fell in love for a second time, and i’m terrified, because it’s a feeling that is dying to burst out of me like i want to scream it from the top of my lungs.

but i can’t… i have to keep calm and pretend like it’s barely there.

i’m going crazy, like actually crazy.

because before i didn’t know, but now i know for certain i’m not alone in this…

I know the person loves me too he said it when he was drunk, and he showed it to me in the morning by holding my hand and tenderly kissing my forehead, while he was sober.

Still i can’t say it, because he will disappear, right now he’s just running away… i rather him run but still be close enough for me to see him.

Then completely disappear, because as he runs i can still admire him despite me not having him.

As i admire him, i can be motivated to be just as strong fast and independent as him, eventually catch up to him.

If he disappears completely then there is no motivation, inspiration to what kind of person i want to be.

when i met him he wasn’t very ambitious, he looked a little lost. then i talked to him about dreams and endless possibilities he has left me for them since then… or so it goes.

my theory is he doesn’t believe he can have both. A partner who truly loves him and ultimate success. that’s why he walked away from me even though he can’t hear the sound of my voice or look at my face without instantly feeling regret for pushing me away.

he rather tunnel vision his ambitions because, thats a guaranteed win he’ll definitely be successful if he works hard.

as with me even though i love him now and he loves me now, it’s a gamble, even if we work hard there is still a possibility that it may amount to nothing.

it’s not guaranteed formula you can put time + energy + care + emotion and still get nothing.

it’s illogical, irrational, and absurd.

But so was going to the moon, electricity, computers, medicine and democracy at some point.

Yet here we are.

Although it’s safe to work towards something thats guaranteed, sometimes the best things are when you work towards something that is uncertain and just believe that it’s so crazy it might work.

Maybe it’s when you’re about to give up and then just cause, you say fuck it and try one more time and make the best decision of your life.

The difference between, happy couples, billionaires, celebrities and everyday people.

Is not talent, luck, love, and popularity.

it’s that they didn’t give up. they didn’t play it safe even though love, life, people, luck, whatever fucked them over, they kept insisting until one day it worked, when most people already gave up.

so i’m sitting in bed right now, and i’m terrified of this love even though i know it’s mutual….

terrified he might not be as crazy and believe like me, terrified it’s not what i think it is, terrified one day it might end, terrified if i tell him he will behave like the last one

(even though they are totally different just the feeling is familiar)

so yeah i’m terrified i feel like i’m losing my mind.

I could play it safe, keep it to myself, put my pen down make up on and focus on things that are certain like work & going out, like i have been, for the past two months.

Filling up my schedule and making so much money to the point i don’t know how to feel anymore.

Kissing random strangers, and going out on dinners, with no fear knowing they will never compare to him, so i’ll be safe if it doesn’t work out my heart it won’t even break.

and still be able to admire him, even though he’s far away but still have him in my sky from time to time.

i could copy this link and press “send” and hope for the best and that he will read it and won’t disappear and live the ultimate movie adventure.

if i press “send” however, he might never read this and i might never see him again because he will choose safety over fear and call me batshit crazy for speaking such things.

I might never see him again lose a special person for a long time if not forever.

So i think i might just play it safe, like everyone else, keep quiet smile and hope i can catch up to him or he’ll stop running someday….

Posted in Mask Off

Just another rainy day

Right now at this very moment, i am overwhelmed. Seems like my default feeling now a days. Every aspect of my life is demanding a piece of me, there only is one of me to go around.

Ironically enough my first instinct is to crawl into my bed and pray my problems somehow resolve themselves. They won’t however, they won’t, sadly…. if only.

Everyday of this week feels like a Monday. Maybe it’s the rain killing my vibe. I’m not the only one feeling like this though… I’m sure there is a lot of people in similar situations. Even though everyone does an incredibly good job acting like they have their shit together.

So i carry on, drink two cups of coffee, as i try to figure out, how i will get school work, work work, internship done, still maintain a social life and have fun.

While this madness is going through my head, i see someone smoking. I pause…. Suddenly go into profound thought mesmerized by the smoke.

I don’t like smoking,  but i love the way it flows out of me, it’s like i breathe it in  burning all the negative inside me and when i open my mouth all the bad, poison and sadness flows out slowly, I see it, fly away.

I sound like an addict, but i gave it up years ago just like drinking every-time i got overwhelmed.

doesn’t mean i don’t miss it though.

Literally had to fight the urge to fill a water bottle with alcohol and bring it to school just to get through the day like freshman year. If it wasn’t for my father being home today, i probably would have brought that “water” bottle with me.

I used to give in to temptation more easily, but lately reason has been winning the battle, as i avoid social scenes and stay home and watch a movie.

I suppose i no longer need that fix, whether it is in a shape of an alcohol, smoke or toxic relationship out of fear of loneliness.

These days i enjoy sleeping and waking up sober, instead of smoking sleeping away the pain and being alone than sharing my bed with someone who makes me feel like shit for every breath i take.

I suppose some where in the midst of the tears, vomit and haze, i realized things aren’t supposed to be this way. If i drink, i drink for fun, if seek someone’s company it’s because i enjoy it and if i smoke it’s for the beauty of it. No longer to kill myself calling it pleasure.

As the smoke faded away, i snapped out of it and carried on my way. Met up with friends laughed and got through yet another rainy day.

Posted in Poetry

Scarlet

Ever changing like the ocean waves

I live life

Day by day

Closing my eyes

A sweet escape

 

The blissful moment

With this breath I take

I want to learn what is love

Too tired of hate

 

Little did I know

You would cross my way

I caught feelings

As I was running away

 

Now I made this mess

Worse than Macbeth

I don’t know what to make of it

I am already tainted by it

 

You can’t stop staring

At my scarlet letter

It’s gone

Your gone.

Posted in Mask Off

Keep the light on…

“Whats your greatest fear?”

“Someone actually loving me….”

Most people have fear of loving someone and not being loved in return. My fear however is someone loving me, completely, entirely and making sacrifices for me.

22 years gone by and i’d never truly felt that, although i’m an expert at loving undeserving people and dying for everyone.

The idea of being loved by someone, is like being in the dark… I don’t know why and there isn’t probably any real danger but I have to keep a light on…. or else i’m terrified.

I find myself every time i get close or start becoming fond of someone, this undying urge to scare them away, to show them everything that is wrong with me at all times, and make it impossible for them to become fond of me.

Convince them it’s for their own sake… When i’m successful in my scare tactic which I always am.  I fulfill my self fulfilling prophecy of being “unlovable” and convince my self all i have to offer is a pretty exterior.

Knowing this is completely irrational and i hurt myself more each time i push another opportunity at happiness and ending loneliness I still continue, to leave the light on even though i would rest better in the dark….