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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

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Day 13 – Check

Do you ever just watch people?

I know it’s a little bit creepy but incredibly entertaining, to observe what people do when they think no one is looking at them.

People are so big on privacy but they reveal a lot about themselves almost every second

Just like you may see a picture of a stranger and not knowing them at all just with a simple glance of them in whatever moment

You can imagine what they’re personality is like,

It wasn’t until modern times people watching became kind of creepy but before words and stories this was our source of entertainment and knowledge

Now it’s more an invasion of privacy, even though you’re out in public. Often linked to ulterior motives.

However I have no ulterior motive in watching you pretend to be happy when I know for a fact although you hide it very well you would rather be anywhere else right now

There’s no ulterior motive I’m just incredibly bored, and seeing how long you last before you finally break is incredibly entertaining to me

How long can a person pretend for…

For me it wasn’t very long, until I absolutely lost my mind, yet here you are where I was 2 years ago.

Even though this isn’t you, it’s very entertaining to watch you pretend I wonder if they can see right through you as well and are making bets and fucking with you behind your back

To see how long you’ll last, you think they’re dumb but these people

They’re so smart…

“Check”

How are you going to get out?

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Day 11 – I can’t let you go

Im getting all dressed up

And I kinda feel dumb

Im trying to prove a point… that’s my problem I’m always trying to prove a fucking point

Right now I’m trying to prove a point to myself that I’m hot af that I can go anywhere in miami and have anyone.

That I don’t need you and I can have even more fun without you

But as im finishing putting on my make up I feel like that’s a stupid fucking point to prove.

Sure if I go through with this I’ll probably get into the nicest club and with the hottest guys but I already know that

I did that two years ago…. last time I was here and it’s a stupid point to prove. One that already happened.

If I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t miss you then that’s a dumb lie… so this is dumb I’m just going to stay home. And not put myself through that only to find out what I already know,

That I can’t let you go… getting drunk will just make it worse and sober I can manage it, sober I can let go of you, almost like it never happened.

So let me start the new year like that not dragging myself through the dirt for someone who doesn’t even care, who isn’t even there…

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Day 10 – Place Holder Friends

So I’m going to make up a new term for certain type of friendships. I’m going to call them placeholder friends

Just like in mathematics the number zero is a place holder number it exists but has no value it’s just there to look pretty

Place holder friends are the same way they are there to fill the gaps, but would I go on adventures with them randomly and talk about that time in middle school when…

Or even speak to them other to remind myself of how many “friends” I have, probably wouldn’t. But they aren’t exactly acquaintances either because they know me a little better than most people so they kind of get grandfathered into the friend category

However there’s a lot of them, so now I’m referring them as placeholder friends, for lack of a better term

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Day 9 – rubix whatever

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Is what I’m screaming inside as I silently lay down.

Working with people is like a rubix cube sometimes. You think you’re getting somewhere but you’re actually making it worse

Although I’m told to assume positive intent most people have a cold heart filled with jealousy hate insecurities

So in this world I’ll be naive if I keep assuming positive. In a selfish world like this is best to assume negative and lament their lacking souls

People say a lot of things but they hardly act on it….

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Day 8- Rich white man

Sometimes I wonder,

Would my life be easier if I was a rich white man, if I could afford to make you shut up

If I could pay away my problems and use my sex as a power

How easy must it be to walk away from your problems when your virtually untouchable

When your race shields you your green eyes empowers you your penis let’s you go everywhere you like most importantly your money shuts all your problems up

Must be nice, can’t relate