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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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Thinking/writing out loud

Warm weather and palm trees. The breeze blowing through my hair. And you holding my hand, makes my heart swell with emotions.

Your dark and curly hair and sweet brown eyes make me melt every time. I love it when you dance with me and you know your the better dancer.

And all I hope is for you to see you the way I see you.

He says “Te quiero mi amor.”

Your laugh; the way you laugh is the most handsome laugh.

I say ” te quiero mucho”. For the first time in my life, I know this man means he loves me. But is it meant to be..

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The One

It was a beautiful story

It started like this

We ran away from a night club

Climbed a rooftop

On my way down he stole a kiss

We moved very quickly

Too good to go slowly

There wasn’t a moment

We dared to miss

Within a few days he called me his

Unfortunately within that time

I got sick

However he was addicted to me

So he met my parents

Gave me a sense of safety

It’s a short story

So it ended like this

I woke up one day, while he was asleep

Whispered “ ___ I love you”

His eyes opened up slowly

The next day

I get a message

It said “I can’t do this…”

“It’s too much for me”

So the end, then my eyes started to bleed

-G.S

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The truth…

Sometimes i hear the question “What’s the craziest thing you did in college?”

Honestly, I don’t think there is a “Craziest” thing. A moment in time with I commited, witnessed and participated in the ultimate insanity.

The experience as a whole has been insane. Unpredictable, heart breaking yet mesmerizing at the same time. I went to school with this mentality, that everyone is mature, and there is no way it would be anything like highschool cause we reached a certain age.

Then I realized, from my experience you never really become an adult emotionally.

I met people, I wish I could unmeet, others I wish I’ve got to keep. I fell in-love for the very first time, and realized whatever I thought I felt before was an absolute lie.

Reality of being a woman in a men’s world hit me harder than ever, when I realized I had no voice… and everyone took a person’s voice over mine not based off circumstances but the fact that I was born without a penis.

Also I learned that people lie a lot, including myself, especially myself all those times I told myself everything was okay when it wasn’t, the times I let myself believe everything was my fault but I wasn’t the sole person to blame.

I thought i was a genuinely good person, but I realized i’m not and at times I didn’t even hesitate hurting the ones closest to me.

College was, is the craziest experience, because I grew the most outside of the classroom than inside. Before coming here i lived in an imaginary world where everyone was good and had good. Then i discovered the bad in people, I ate the forbidden apple and found out the truths.

The scary thing about the truth…. It’s that it isn’t kind, it does not care for your feelings or what you been through or who you are. It spares no-one and it’s reality, ugly.

So i guess the craziest thing I did in college, was discover the truth about people and the world.

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Dangerous Waters…

The best part about swimming, is when you get to close your eyes and fully submerge yourself in the water.

Then just hold your breath and for those few seconds you are holding your breath time just stops.

No anxiety, no hate, no sadness, no wars.

Nothing absolutely nothing….

When I was a child I almost died drowning. Ever since I love the very thing that almost killed me.

They said don’t play with fire, little did they know the truth about water.