Posted in Mask Off

12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

Posted in Mask Off

What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

Posted in Mask Off

Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

Posted in Mask Off

Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Mask Off

6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

Posted in Mask Off

The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

Posted in Mask Off

Day 3 – Glass Shatter

That glass shattering moment it’s real

And it never stops happening throughout your life even when your 80 there will still be a moment where you’ll realize you been fucking up

That you been absolutely delusional, and it will make perfect sense why so and so never wants to fucking talk to you again

It’s going to be painful it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel so sorry for every time you argued with people convinced you’re right

My advice lay low, be productive, cry it out, let it out, then pretend it never happened, rebuild yourself so much stronger

That this time in your life will be such a distant memory no one will ever link up you and this anymore

But if you freak about it’ll just get worse and people will hold it against you because it has power

And people live for leverage over other people don’t give it to them.

Posted in Mask Off

September Sorrows

Why do we always bring up the weather when we don’t know what to say? Is it because it’s something everyone can relate to for the most part.

My favorite question to ask is “what’s your favorite color?” Why? Because most people don’t give a shit of what your favorite color is, to the point some people forget the answer to that question.

In a way it’s like an activation question to take you out of this state of hypnosis and to remind you that once a upon a time you were a child and your favorite color meant a great deal to you, because back then the world wasn’t so bland

; out of a multitude of options “blue” was your favorite.

Now it’s easier to talk, I’m not speaking to the generic person which society forced you to be, no longer telling me only things I want to hear and leaving out the parts of you that might be disturbing to me.

That simple question made it possible for me to get to know a piece of the real you without you even realizing.

So “what’s your favorite color?”

-G.S

Posted in Mask Off

Everything and Nothing

You’re my bestfriend

The one I tell all my secrets too

At the same time

My worst enemy

The one that cuts the deepest

Yet you’re my lover

Who’s touches leave me breathless

Also my peace

The sound of your voice soothes me to sleep

Most days my happiness

At the sight of you no tears are present

Most importantly you’re my courage Because when it comes to you I’m not afraid to say “love” and mean it wholeheartedly

Posted in Mask Off

Wishful Hope

I wish I had someone to talk to when things got too overwhelming, or someone who makes me feel special on days like this which I couldn’t feel anymore close to insignificant.

On most days I don’t need this kind of company since I been going it alone for a while now, don’t get me wrong I had relationships and friendships but none of them were really substantial to confide these internal struggles to.

Maybe part of my problem is I notice too much, I don’t have the bliss that most people have in their ignorance. Although sometimes I like to pretend for the sake maintaining peace, if I don’t call you out we can go on pretending like it never happened, and you’re still an amazing person.

Although you’re not

This isn’t specific to a romantic relationship or a certain friendship this applies to all my relationships regardless of their nature

My brother told me today, he wishes he was as attractive as me and that I’m lucky.

I told him he has it wrong, being a girl and this attractive is a curse. To make it simple I just said no guy “cares what my favorite color is”

They just care the color of my underwear… it’s sad but it’s true. It comes in handy because I can get anywhere I want just as long as I laugh and smile, I can get a high paying job in the nicest city

Which I have, but there’s a high chance I’ll never have love. I’ll have sex, I’ll have lust, I’ll have company. But love is something i probably won’t have.

I’m not a pessimist I’m a realist, this world objectifies girls like me, it does not care what’s behind my brown eyes, at least in the city at least at this point in time.

I’m optimistic that one day that will change, that someone will care about my favorite color and hobbies, will understand I suffer from depression and anxiety instead of holding it against me

Will love me even more and make me feel like I’m not a freak for somedays not wanting to wake up sometimes, or be able to comfort me when out of no where I lose my breath my heart starts racing and I feel like I’m suffocating

As will I love him an accept him with his flaws just the same, and love his flaws even more because that’s what makes him, him.

However I haven’t met him yet, so today I feel insignificant and on my own and a little bit suffocated

But I lay here with hope one day I will be someone’s whole world, and I won’t ever feel like this again