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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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Fairness

I believe in fairness, as ironic as that seems coming from a catholic girl. But I believe everyone should be free to be gay, straight, trans, pan, etc. to their fullest desire. Because love is LOVE.

Life isn’t easy for anyone! So we should be kind, and empathetic to those who do not walk the same course as ours, whatever that may be, whatever region in the world you are in.

I hope one day we reach a point in our world, that society’s “norms” does not dictate how feel about one another, so we can recognize we all are one and we deserve as much love and respect.

My heart goes out to all those silenced voices right now, too afraid to embrace themselves because of how cruel this world can be. My admiration and applause go out to those who were brave enough to say fuck it and fight the world everyday just to be themselves and how I wish I could be a part of your elegant community.

I will be an ally until the day I die and I think we all should support each other!!!! LOVE is LOVE. I believe in equality and fairness.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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Get Dirty

There are some thing city people don’t get that people from the farm do and if you’re fortunate enough to ever spend time or part of you life in the farm you’ll understand.

Being from the farm and knowing people from the farm whether it is here or my native land Brazil I feel there is this whole other dimension and depth to our person

It’s an appreciation for nature, it’s a glimpse of the big picture of life, and an ability to slow down time

It’s not freaking out at the sight of a spider, or letting the dog shit you stepped on put a dent on your day

It’s about getting your hands dirty and not caring

There’s just this bigger understanding that city people often don’t get, it’s a reminder that even though with our technology and virtual fame, we aren’t gods, I know we feel like it but we aren’t.

We’re not really that different from the trees or from the spider on your window, we all live and we die.

Once you realize that, the fact that becky is talking shit behind your back, brad is ignoring your messages, and you stained your Versace dress

none of it matters…

honestly it’s the best thing.

so dear city people run away from the city whenever you can.

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The One

It was a beautiful story

It started like this

We ran away from a night club

Climbed a rooftop

On my way down he stole a kiss

We moved very quickly

Too good to go slowly

There wasn’t a moment

We dared to miss

Within a few days he called me his

Unfortunately within that time

I got sick

However he was addicted to me

So he met my parents

Gave me a sense of safety

It’s a short story

So it ended like this

I woke up one day, while he was asleep

Whispered “ ___ I love you”

His eyes opened up slowly

The next day

I get a message

It said “I can’t do this…”

“It’s too much for me”

So the end, then my eyes started to bleed

-G.S

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White Noise

I’m wearing clothes

But I feel bare

I can’t see you

Yet I can feel your stare

 

Treat me like a child

Ask questions

You already know

The answer to

 

Even though we are inside

My mind is outside this room

As I listen to is the birds

Singing their soothing tune

 

It doesn’t matter what I say

Your mind already has been made

Others corrupted the truth

Anything i say is white noise

 

So ill get up

Leave soon

Tired of fighting vicious lies

Believe in what you want, i tried

 

 

 

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The Crazy One

My hands are bleeding

Still I write

Your words deceiving

Yet I listen

 

When everything

Means nothing

Whats so wrong with dreaming

Of something greater than this

 

Something soft , something gentle

like a very first kiss

To get this heart beating

Although my soul is screaming

 

Yet these are strange times

Empty words

Meaningless actions

Is what we have come to…

 

They call me a fool

For trying to start brand new

Maybe there is good in everyone

And I am no longer the crazy one

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Keep the light on…

“Whats your greatest fear?”

“Someone actually loving me….”

Most people have fear of loving someone and not being loved in return. My fear however is someone loving me, completely, entirely and making sacrifices for me.

22 years gone by and i’d never truly felt that, although i’m an expert at loving undeserving people and dying for everyone.

The idea of being loved by someone, is like being in the dark… I don’t know why and there isn’t probably any real danger but I have to keep a light on…. or else i’m terrified.

I find myself every time i get close or start becoming fond of someone, this undying urge to scare them away, to show them everything that is wrong with me at all times, and make it impossible for them to become fond of me.

Convince them it’s for their own sake… When i’m successful in my scare tactic which I always am.  I fulfill my self fulfilling prophecy of being “unlovable” and convince my self all i have to offer is a pretty exterior.

Knowing this is completely irrational and i hurt myself more each time i push another opportunity at happiness and ending loneliness I still continue, to leave the light on even though i would rest better in the dark….