Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.
For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.
I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.
Thank you snow.
I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.
I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…
24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.
Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.
So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.
Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.
About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.
So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.
Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨
It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.
I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know
All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…
How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.
Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love
Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after
Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.
If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.
Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
I knew he loved me not because he said it, but because from the moment he met me he never promised me anything. He didn’t make plans with me that never were going to happen, he didn’t lie to me and make me believe in something that didn’t exist just to get into bed with me.
What I learned is a lot of people will lie, to get a taste of you and leave as soon as they do whether they want to admit to it or not.
He didn’t, even when he let me go, he watched over me, during a drunk night even after a fight he give me water; didn’t let me call a cab and would drive me home.
I knew he loved me, because he had every opportunity to waste my time and he didn’t, and even though he knew he was the best version of himself with me, he left because he knew I deserved better.
I knew he loved me, because if I were to walk in the same room as him he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of me.
I know he loves me, because he would sacrifice everything for my well being over and over again, regardless of circumstances, even his own happiness.
You are not nice
If you were nice you wouldn’t of left me to wander
Asking questions and second guessing
Everyone and everything
If you were nice you wouldn’t of ruined love for me
If you were nice you would’ve
Talked to me, before you left
You would’ve said goodbye
Most importantly told me how and why
So I could still believe in the good in men
Instead of feeling stupid
For letting you take me to the top of the world
Only to push me down
Without any rhyme or reason
Simply just cause
I no longer believe in love
Just ulterior motives
Supply and demand
Usefulness and exchanges
If there ever was magic its gone
No longer to be found
If you haven’t ever told a story to a kid or anyone
Try it, even to yourself
Stories are literally one of the best past times known to man
Without storytelling you wouldn’t have all these cool tv shows you binge watch or books you read
And when you write your own story in a journal it’s soo much fun
Especially if life is hard or dull
You can be a princess, or prince, a hero or a villain. You can live in a mansion or another planet. When you write a story you have all the freedom in the world. it can be as simple and complex as you desire
It can be anything or nothing at all
We constantly complain about when things aren’t our way but by telling a story you have to make it exactly how you would want it
So how would that look like?
Im getting all dressed up
And I kinda feel dumb
Im trying to prove a point… that’s my problem I’m always trying to prove a fucking point
Right now I’m trying to prove a point to myself that I’m hot af that I can go anywhere in miami and have anyone.
That I don’t need you and I can have even more fun without you
But as im finishing putting on my make up I feel like that’s a stupid fucking point to prove.
Sure if I go through with this I’ll probably get into the nicest club and with the hottest guys but I already know that
I did that two years ago…. last time I was here and it’s a stupid point to prove. One that already happened.
If I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t miss you then that’s a dumb lie… so this is dumb I’m just going to stay home. And not put myself through that only to find out what I already know,
That I can’t let you go… getting drunk will just make it worse and sober I can manage it, sober I can let go of you, almost like it never happened.
So let me start the new year like that not dragging myself through the dirt for someone who doesn’t even care, who isn’t even there…
That glass shattering moment it’s real
And it never stops happening throughout your life even when your 80 there will still be a moment where you’ll realize you been fucking up
That you been absolutely delusional, and it will make perfect sense why so and so never wants to fucking talk to you again
It’s going to be painful it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel so sorry for every time you argued with people convinced you’re right
My advice lay low, be productive, cry it out, let it out, then pretend it never happened, rebuild yourself so much stronger
That this time in your life will be such a distant memory no one will ever link up you and this anymore
But if you freak about it’ll just get worse and people will hold it against you because it has power
And people live for leverage over other people don’t give it to them.