Posted in Mask Off

What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

Posted in Mask Off

Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

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Day 1 – Drama Free

Pro tips for a drama free life

– burn sage

– meditate

– if you’re getting stressed about what a certain group of people are thinking or saying about you CUT THEM OFF even if they’re your “friends” real friends don’t have you watching over shoulder and feeling like you need to be on your A game to hang

-Tea drink a lot of teaaa and water

– Read books

– Party less sleep more!

– Do one nice thing for yourself daily, be nice to yourself… (still working on that one)

-Most importantly trust God, The Universe whatever higher power you believe in trust them that they will make everything a okay! 🥰

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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Little Fears

12/13/17

Hey babe,

There are something you don’t know, actually a lot of things you don’t know about me… although you know more than most, there is still a lot you don’t know even though we spent every waking minute of the past two weeks together.

Honestly it probably was the best two weeks of my life… From you stealing a kiss down that fire escape, meeting my parents, and drinking cheep wine and teaching me chess on Friday instead of your usual shenanigans.

Thank you for giving me those two weeks of your life, putting aside your regular routine for me.

 

08/25/2018

I haven’t seen you in months nevertheless spoke to you, although I call you almost everyday and you never pick up.

Except for a few days ago, to my surprise you weren’t angry or told me to fuck off which is what I would expect when you finally answer the person who won’t leave you alone.

The sound of your voice was probably would feel like you could say anything and it would still feel like the ultimate high. Mind control I’ll do anything AND EVERYTHING you ask me, you know that too.

When you’re giving the pain I don’t care if it’s hurting me.

Maybe I’m smarter than I look, maybe I’m more calculative then I look, yeah I suck at chess but maybe just maybe I don’t suck that much at life.

What if I knew all along, about my terrible addiction to you, and the best way to make you run is calling you everyday. What if I’m more afraid then you are, of being with you again and the reason I won’t leave you alone is my way of guaranteeing you won’t comeback.

Because part of me knows, you’re just as addicted as I am, although you never answer with my constant nudging you feel my presence and you get your fix and with my constant nudging I know you won’t look for me and I get my fix.

What if I stopped, pushing you away and just vanished as I usually do, I’m almost certain you would comeback and I just can’t.

So if keep calling, you stay away, or once and for all you give me direct closure and close the window.

truth is, I’m more afraid of us than you….

The reason why? I don’t want to be loved. I don’t deserve it.

 

8

Posted in Mask Off

Be Selfish

For the most part throughout our lives we are taught being selfish is a bad thing, and you should always put others before you in order to be a “good” and “considerate” person, this might not be necessarily true in all cultures and bless them for not having this mindset.

In Western culture for the most part being selfish is wrong. With that mindset they fucked up.

The other cultures who don’t practice selfness above selfishness know that, in order to be a truly effective selfless person you need to be selfish.

What?

Yeah, well it’s true, in order to give back and think of others and being considerate effectively you have to be 100% in touch with yourself.

To be 100% in touch with yourself you NEED to be selfish, you NEED to cancel those plans with your friend because you are tired and need to sleep, you NEED to tell your significant other to wash their own damn dishes because it’s simply not your job to pick up after them all the time, you NEED acknowledge that your friend has crossed the line regardless of the amount of times they saved your life and walk away from them,

Most importantly you NEED to stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.

Be selfish be angry, tell so and so they fucked up cause they did cause it will make you feel better. express yourself. Stop being so considerate all the fucking time.

When you stop being considerate, and selfless and stop taking shit from people, you learn more about yourself. After 24hours of doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, when you want to do it, and just speaking however you want to speak no constraints.
You kind of get this super power, and with that super power you realize all those times you were “selfless” you weren’t really selfless because you were acting in a form to maintain an image follow an unspoken social rule

After you break all the rules and realize its actually healthy and not bad, when you choose to be selfless you are actually “selfless” because it isn’t an unspoken obligation but because you actually chose to be selfless knowing that you could be selfish.

makes sense?

If you do something out of duty and obligation you aren’t really doing something, but if you do it because it was your choice and you wanted to then you are 100% there and the whole point of selflessness is for it to be 100% you.

Posted in Mask Off

Out of my mind (unfiltered free write)

When I was in school in English class the teacher would sometimes give us 10minutes to just write down everything that was on our minds

there was no rules nothing just put words on paper as if no one was going to read it (except she would) but anyways no rules!!! she called this “Free Write” and it was literally my favorite if only part I liked about school. I always hated rules and constraints.

So lets try this 10minutes Straight out of my mind.

4:31 07/28/18

I’m kind of mad and kind of happy at the same time…. theres a million things going on in my brain but still papers are so hard to start even if its for the sole purpose of having fun.

Society has conditioned me to follow these arbitrary rules even when I am not required to.

(tbh I don’t even know what arbitrary completely means or let alone spell without the help of autocorrect but it seemed like it made sense, and sounded like a fancy word for random and unnecessary which how I feel about rules especially for writing…. idc if I used it correctly low-key I do care cause I don’t want to sound like a dumb ass even if im free too sound however I want.)

It’s funny the first few things that popped on my mind was problems and mistakes even petty ones like why did I buy a MacBook with a touch bar for 200$ more when I don’t even use the fucking Touch Bar, 200$ I could’ve spent on promoting myself and my art

CHECK OUT @Shutupandstay on INSTAAA for cool art

ok I was somewhat productive, I don’t know why would anyone would want to read whats on my mind but I feel like a lot of people are interested on what others think.

so this is 10minutes of my unfiltered thoughts

I think about thinking.

im upset that I got dumped by the person I thought I was going to marry and I think he was cheating on me the whole time because its only been a few months and he has moved in with this new girlfriend and took her to cali

that mutherfucker never gave me closure he just vanished

I don’t want him back I don’t miss him he wasn’t even cute. but im still butt hurt what I really miss is the stability the sense of I don’t have to date more idiots this is the one I can settle down now.

I hate him so much the thought of him even looking at me makes me want to throw up. yet I chased him for weeks to try to find closure, and not even a fuck you fuck off you crazy bitch he couldn’t give me he just simply ignored my calls

his friends don’t get why he is with this new girl they say im much sweeter prettier and have a lot of personality

the only thing is im poor and I can’t buy him Gucci sneakers like she can… maybe thats it thats why he left im poor.

 

4:41

ten minutes are up…

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Girl at the party

In a crowded room..

A party to be more specific, I would be the girl watching you.

All of you….

 

Dressed to blend in, little make up not to draw too much attention, although on a occasion even then some people seem to notice me anyway.

Usually envious glares from girls because I don’t even try and somehow I end up chatting with the hottest guy, unintentionally.

I’m just here to people watch, I don’t like participating.

 

In the dark corner drinking a martini, and just watching. As the night progresses some of the wasted people get a glimpse of me, they ask me to dance I politely decline, back to invisibility.

 

I know, it sounds creepy, but from where I’m standing it’s very entertaining.

 

The girls compliment each others dress with a slight twitch of anger in their faces with that comment, the guy with the girlfriend took way too many shots and now is hitting on a easy girl

Easy girl is insecure she knows his girlfriend but doesn’t mind as he grabs her by her butt and carries her.

*sips*

Why did I come here again?

Now it gets interesting my cover is blown and I get brought to the VIP table.

Familiar faces from an old life all over

Ironically they are singing “everyday we lit” but they are dying inside

Reminding me why I left this life

 

The men start grabbing me and in order to not get into a fight I get my jacket and call it a night. As fun as it is people watching, I don’t like being the girl at the party, ill keep up with this bullshit watching reality TV.

Don’t want be mistaken for one of these animals, it isn’t me.

 

 

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