Posted in Mask Off

Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Mask Off

Hurt me like that

You say you never meant to hurt me like that, once again my face is covered in tears. I don’t get it, did you think it wouldn’t hurt after you disappeared without a rhyme or reason…

Especially after I gave you a piece of my soul, it’s like I’m 14 again and experiencing my first heartbreak the plus is I don’t see you every weekend at youth group and church and we barely have the same friends.

Yet somehow news of you finds it’s way to me, that’s partially my fault I keep on looking to see if there was something I missed. In the rubble we left of this.

Something proving that I’m not crazy and there was a reason a reason you kept for me a reason big enough to ruin something happy and you just couldn’t tell me.

This is a different type of pain it’s not a pain I’m suffering for myself, I don’t feel as if I’m at a loss because I don’t think I ever really lost you.

I’m in pain because you’re in pain and you refuse to let me help you.

It sucks, you would probably tell me to stop caring; but unfortunately I’m a Taurus and that’s against my nature my heart is too big.

There’s not enough special people left in this planet…

So I’ll still try to find out what happened, even when I’m sleeping in the arms of another.

People ask me if I would comeback to you if you suddenly showed up and my answer is “no”

I love you, however I’m pissed at you and I deserve someone who won’t abandon me or if they do they will tell me why they’re leaving or give me some clues to piece it together.

Although I love you I do not trust you… and despite what you think I love myself more than to be in a relationship without trust.

Yet it hurts me that I didn’t have my answer and it hurts even more I can’t take away your pain

So yeah, you didn’t mean to hurt me like this but tears are streaming down my face.

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Without You

I’m here without you, and it’s okay for the most part.

Although you’re no longer here to put your arm around my shoulder as we figure this thing called life with all it’s plot twist and turns

I’m alright

After finding you and making love, I no longer watch sex scenes in romantic movies and tell myself that doesn’t exist or wonder as if it’s never going to happen for me

When you make love with someone I feel like you become one in a way, I don’t know where the fuck you are, who you are with and what you’re doing

But like I said I’m okay

Which is weird kind of right? But I feel as if we created something original and irreplaceable in those moments together

No one could ever compare and I don’t think I would want anyone to, not any time soon Atleast

For the first time in my life I’m content with being lonely and I wanna drown in this for as long as I can, it’s a bliss that I don’t want it to be disrupted

Even in your absence I still feel your company stronger than ever sometimes. Isn’t that amazing and a little bit crazy. Life is crazy I guess.

I miss you but I don’t want you here does that make any sense? Because if I see you I’m not going to let you go again and although we’re somehow tethered together

There are a few things I wanna do and a few people I want to meet before I make my way back to you

Which I’m sure I will; not in a future terribly far from now. I just have this feeling I can’t shake.

Or maybe I’m crazy. But any who I’m okay baby and I know you are too.

3

Posted in Mask Off

“Just Friends” an open letter to someone far away

Dear Friend,

You used to take me every where you went put your arms around me, always watch over me.

Countless dinners, trips and sleepovers. We talked and saw each other almost everyday. Our days would not be complete without an essential “good morning” & “goodnight”

You had this confidence about you that made you seem unaffected and indestructible.

I put you in a pedestal and told myself I wasn’t good enough for you. But it wasn’t until now all that has been said and done.

You felt like you weren’t good enough for me. I finally see the things you admired in me and why you always spent so much time with me.

I should’ve known you fell in love when you asked me to runaway with you wherever you decided to move. It’s just I never felt good enough…

Now I know I what you meant when you said I was more than enough. I also get it’s easier to hurt me. Than to see me not dying for you, as you always assumed.

However you always made it clear we were “just friends”. So to me just friends we were, than I found another man. You expected me to stay loyal to my attraction and not to stray.

But we were “just friends” even though we behaved like something else. Yet you couldn’t face that I could walk away. When I did you no longer spoke to me again. But I just thought we were “just friends?”

Stop haunting me then…

From your

– just friend

Posted in Mask Off

Dear Ex-Bestfriend

A couple of seasons has passed since I saw you in person last. I hear about you here and there but never really have any direct contact anymore. Yet here you are… in my mind. Maybe the reason for this is because, I left a lot of things unsaid and I said a lot of things I can’t take back, but i wish i could…

I don’t know maybe in another universe you will stumble upon this letter, or maybe it will make your resent me even more.  But i’m not going to lie you been inspiration for a lot of my posts. This one however is directed right at you… no shade this time, no subliminal “I miss you” and “I fucked up” i think you got it by now. By the books i wrote to you and you ignored, the hidden messages in some of my poems. You got it. Maybe it even made you smile a little bit on how sad i am without my other half and you probably thought “i told you so”.  

if i still know you like i did back then you definitely thought “i told you so” but that doesn’t make me upset because that’s what makes you, you and during our time together i learned to love all sides of you which is why I am writing this letter to you. Cause if we ever were to speak again it would probably go something like this…

Dear Ex-Bestfriend,

The craziest thing happened today… haha. I was so stressed with homework cause i’m taking five classes now and I decided to smoke a cigaret like i did when life got very overwhelming and we would always share a pack and think the same thing “fuck our lives”  take a little drag and laugh. But except this time i actually got caught,  probably wasn’t the best idea to smoke in my room but i just thought back to the days we would smoke in your apartment and thought “fuck it” it should be fine. nope it wasn’t. i thought you might find that funny lol. Cause you know how i always try to be perfect for my parents, and everyone but with you, you saw my imperfections and you like them hence the reason i decided to write to you.

idk why but i think you would be the only friend that got the humor in this. I saw you made new friends, and i hear life is pretty good for you… which makes me happy. I feel like we are riding the same wave of peace now. I made new friends as well and for the most part there isn’t any drama… which is good. I still feel an incredible amount of guilt and heartache on how we broke off, it was fucked up and i wish i wasn’t so intoxicated, i honestly wish i can take it back.

After i did that last favor for you over the phone in hopes of rekindling something i actually went to the bathroom and threw up. Because that’s how much i didn’t want to make that phone call you asked for… If i could erase from existence any person in the world it would be that person.As time passed by, i replayed over and over everything… and i realized i lied so much, but not to hurt anyone, to protect everyone. I lied so much that i literally destroyed people’s perception of me to protect…

To be honest i wish i didn’t i wish i was so more selfish, i wish i spoke up and confronted you and told you what really happened. The truth is i lied to myself so much i didn’t realize what really happened until i had no other choice to accept the truth.Now that i have though… I feel a little bit better and a little bit shittier at the same time haha. But I have made peace with myself.

But enough about that!!!! This isn’t all that i wanted to talk to you about it’s been such a long time!!!! So I am planning to move to cali after i graduate and if we were still friends i would probably take you with me. I also am investing in myself! I remember that day we were drinking wine and watching people walk by and you said how i should become a writer cause you said i write well.I was so surprised because i honestly didn’t think you read the stuff i wrote, i thought you just turned it in. That time i didn’t believe in myself and i just thought you were saying things to be nice, like you sometimes did.

When i started believing in myself i remembered that moment you being one of the first people to push me. Back then i wasn’t ready I was still so childish, still am but less. When i look back to our past selves from the moment we met we were still babies at least I was for sure.Like back then I did not understand why you were so hurt and angry at me when you told me the story about “how you confronted the guy who fucked me up and told him to go away, on a certain day” and i remember getting so angry at you because i wanted to see him i completely ignored how you were protecting me.

It’s different now i promise…. A similar situation sort of happened when my new friends confronted my crush without asking me just because i said i was angry and was on my way to speak with him myself. Yeah lol, they completely fucked that up for me and made something fixable unfixable since he’s just someone i like nothing more they had no right to go up to him like that, just cause.But this time i learned my lesson, i didn’t flip out at them, i thanked them and took a deep breathe thought about the right words on telling them how they kind of messed up so they never do that again, and let it go and focused on their love for me.

I miss our talks, you saying stories your grandma told you, watching carrie diaries, making food, ordering food, and drinking cheap wine. Always was more fun then going out and getting drunk, Not that i am ungrateful for my friends now, they are so amazing and kind and we laugh a lot, have each others backs and don’t talk shit… unless its about fuckboys lol. Yet still their not you.You were like that boyfriend who we grew up together (although we didnt grow up together) got older and started dating. and cause we known each other forever (felt like forever) we had this bond where we just got each other.

we didn’t have to explain ourselves to each other. We didn’t hurt each others feelings (for the most part) when we got into arguments, we always knew it came from a good place. You didn’t have to be nice for me to love you, and neither did I. It worked. We were both sensitive but at the same time strong. And understood words said in the moment of anger and sadness were just words. We sang duets at the top of our lungs. Now i mostly sing alone, You were the ultimate singing partner. Anyways this is getting too long…. If you made it this far. If you read this at all. I fucking miss you, every part of you the angry, bitchy, happy, sad, spoiled, kind, etc you. I know you will never take me back and i’m fine with that now.

I really hope though you find another me for you the girl who knows you are about freak out when your one dimple starts to show (maybe a smarter and more mature me) but i hope you find her and you never let her go again. Just like i hope to find someone just like you, that i could see being in my life forever, who i don’t need to explain myself too. Who knows when to back off when my blinks take way too long. …

Anyways…..

Best.

Your forgotten ex-bestfriend