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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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I Let Him

I let him take my shine away… I let him make me feel small and insignificant as others before. I know it wasn’t his intention but it was the result.

No one is to blame, or if anything it would be obsession with the desire to be loved, even in this relationship that I fought so hard to bring into fruition I don’t feel it.

Mindlessly I scroll through social media, envious of those couples who are seemingly happy and all over each other. Why can’t I have that? As I overhear my significant other on a conference call. When I wake up he doesn’t bother to say “good morning, or how did I sleep?” but instead order me to do something.

I don’t know love very well, but what I do know is I will no longer hand my love on a silver platter to someone who can’t appreciate it or reciprocate it.

Maybe I deserve better.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

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Shadow

Lately, I don’t really want to leave the house, or let my hair down anymore.

I find myself eating, sleeping, working and repeating. On my days off I isolate myself in my room, absolutely no desire to leave my house…

I don’t know what happened but I lost my motivation to live. I just want to be in bed, it’s an achievement that willed myself to write this and even sit outside today.

There was a time I was more alive, but I honestly don’t even remember what that looked like, when a think back it seems like it didn’t really happen.

Lately I am a shadow of the person I used to be and I have to figure out a way to pull my self back into self love.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

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Rum and Coke

How times have changed….

The moment I realize this are in the very simple things that would’ve gotten me killed when I was younger,

before I sit down and write I casually decide to pour myself a little bit of rum and coke unbothered to who is watching me. Yet I can’t help but reflect at a different time when I was 16

I would wait for my parents to be asleep, tip-toe downstairs each step I took closer to the liquor cabinet my heart raced as every little sound in the background made me jump, and when I finally got to my goal I would come up with some clever way to conceal what I just did. Like get clear liquor and put in an empty water bottle and drink it straight.

During those years I became a phenomenal liar. The trick is believing what you’re saying is the truth, that what you actually have is just water, that what you actually did is just go to the bathroom.

It’s funny to think today I casually reached in that same liquor cabinet in broad day light in-front of the same people I was terrified of catching me unbothered as if I was getting a glass of water. How times changed, at the same time it didn’t I’m doing the same thing but in a hassle free way.

Life is interesting in that sense, some of your actions stop becoming severe in consequences while others amplify. Yet the actions are still the same just in different timelines. Isn’t that something…