Posted in Mask Off

The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

Posted in Mask Off, Poetry

Supply and Demand

You sir,

You are not nice

If you were nice you wouldn’t of left me to wander

Asking questions and second guessing

Everyone and everything

If you were nice you wouldn’t of ruined love for me

If you were nice you would’ve

Talked to me, before you left

You would’ve said goodbye

Most importantly told me how and why

So I could still believe in the good in men

Instead of feeling stupid

For letting you take me to the top of the world

Only to push me down

Without any rhyme or reason

Simply just cause

Cause what?

I no longer believe in love

Just ulterior motives

Supply and demand

Usefulness and exchanges

If there ever was magic its gone

No longer to be found


Posted in Mask Off

Day 13 – Check

Do you ever just watch people?

I know it’s a little bit creepy but incredibly entertaining, to observe what people do when they think no one is looking at them.

People are so big on privacy but they reveal a lot about themselves almost every second

Just like you may see a picture of a stranger and not knowing them at all just with a simple glance of them in whatever moment

You can imagine what they’re personality is like,

It wasn’t until modern times people watching became kind of creepy but before words and stories this was our source of entertainment and knowledge

Now it’s more an invasion of privacy, even though you’re out in public. Often linked to ulterior motives.

However I have no ulterior motive in watching you pretend to be happy when I know for a fact although you hide it very well you would rather be anywhere else right now

There’s no ulterior motive I’m just incredibly bored, and seeing how long you last before you finally break is incredibly entertaining to me

How long can a person pretend for…

For me it wasn’t very long, until I absolutely lost my mind, yet here you are where I was 2 years ago.

Even though this isn’t you, it’s very entertaining to watch you pretend I wonder if they can see right through you as well and are making bets and fucking with you behind your back

To see how long you’ll last, you think they’re dumb but these people

They’re so smart…


How are you going to get out?

Posted in Mask Off

Day 11 – I can’t let you go

Im getting all dressed up

And I kinda feel dumb

Im trying to prove a point… that’s my problem I’m always trying to prove a fucking point

Right now I’m trying to prove a point to myself that I’m hot af that I can go anywhere in miami and have anyone.

That I don’t need you and I can have even more fun without you

But as im finishing putting on my make up I feel like that’s a stupid fucking point to prove.

Sure if I go through with this I’ll probably get into the nicest club and with the hottest guys but I already know that

I did that two years ago…. last time I was here and it’s a stupid point to prove. One that already happened.

If I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t miss you then that’s a dumb lie… so this is dumb I’m just going to stay home. And not put myself through that only to find out what I already know,

That I can’t let you go… getting drunk will just make it worse and sober I can manage it, sober I can let go of you, almost like it never happened.

So let me start the new year like that not dragging myself through the dirt for someone who doesn’t even care, who isn’t even there…

Posted in Mask Off

Day 8- Rich white man

Sometimes I wonder,

Would my life be easier if I was a rich white man, if I could afford to make you shut up

If I could pay away my problems and use my sex as a power

How easy must it be to walk away from your problems when your virtually untouchable

When your race shields you your green eyes empowers you your penis let’s you go everywhere you like most importantly your money shuts all your problems up

Must be nice, can’t relate

Posted in Mask Off

Day 6 – Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I would chain smoke cigarettes before class keep a bottle of vodka in my locker then by a fountain drink and fill my cup with vodka instead

I would party everyday of the week go into work hungover or sometimes drunk and not sleep at all, I would fall asleep on stairs kiss literal snakes dance on tables

It would be mid winter and I would go out in a miniskirt practically naked into clubs and bars I was not old enough to get in but got in anyways

I would hang out with drug dealers in their trap houses listen to their stupid SoundCloud, I would get high when I was not already drunk

And this was life for a while, A collage of drugs alcohol … surrounded but felt so lonely. One day I got out of it. And I fell in love madly in love with someone who still lived for that shit

And I’m still crying over him never to love ever again. You wanted a happy ending? There isn’t any…

I had my heartbroken and it’s staying broken, because after you meet your person no other will suffice so why try.? And I can’t ever go back to that life

Posted in Mask Off

Day 7 – A lot has changed

My hair is longer now, it’s almost back to its original length

Before I had my breakdown and dyed it gray then eventually had to chop it all off

my hair is almost back to its original length

However the color will never be the same, my hair is naturally black but it’s been light brown for a year now

No matter how much I grow it out the light brown empowers the black

The lesson I take from this maybe there was never a normal to begin with maybe there was a pure untouched and then there was a corrupt

And despite me chilling out it will never go to its pure untouched stage the curls will never follow as they used to and the deep dark will never be quite deep and dark

Maybe people do shit to their hair when they have a crisis cause it sometimes is a reflection of their soul

In a way our whole body is kind of the concept in Dorian Gray the more people sin the more it shows on their person

Before I thought it was king far fetched but looking at my hair and my body now I believe it, maybe if I didn’t do half the things I did and got hurt in unspeakable ways I would be more preserved

But if you met me three years ago and you see me now a lot has changed

Posted in Mask Off

Day 5- you know what?!

I literally just woke up, and I put on one of my sexiest underwear and I looked myself in the mirror totally feeling myself

Even though I gained some weight still feeling myself

Then I stared at myself a little more and I thought man if only ____ could see this he would love it. Shortly after at that thought I put my shirt down

And I was like “No! He doesn’t deserve me anymore! Where did my self respect go?! If he ever wants this again he better earn it!”

Then I smiled because I realized I’m starting to love myself again… and starting to realize he’s not as great as I thought, and this is the beginning of what can be an amazing day ✨

Posted in Mask Off

Day 4 – Water and Advil

Before you go consume alcohol always make sure to put water and Advil beside your bed

Make your bed before you go out

Pick up any mess

And leave ur place with good vibes

Your drunkself will thank you

Although she/he may not deserve that much love if she is anything like my drunkself

But kill her/him with kindness… so your soberself can somewhat function in the morning and do as much damage control as she/he can, with whatever that pesky little drunk did a few hours before

Posted in Mask Off

Day 3 – Glass Shatter

That glass shattering moment it’s real

And it never stops happening throughout your life even when your 80 there will still be a moment where you’ll realize you been fucking up

That you been absolutely delusional, and it will make perfect sense why so and so never wants to fucking talk to you again

It’s going to be painful it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel so sorry for every time you argued with people convinced you’re right

My advice lay low, be productive, cry it out, let it out, then pretend it never happened, rebuild yourself so much stronger

That this time in your life will be such a distant memory no one will ever link up you and this anymore

But if you freak about it’ll just get worse and people will hold it against you because it has power

And people live for leverage over other people don’t give it to them.