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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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Fairness

I believe in fairness, as ironic as that seems coming from a catholic girl. But I believe everyone should be free to be gay, straight, trans, pan, etc. to their fullest desire. Because love is LOVE.

Life isn’t easy for anyone! So we should be kind, and empathetic to those who do not walk the same course as ours, whatever that may be, whatever region in the world you are in.

I hope one day we reach a point in our world, that society’s “norms” does not dictate how feel about one another, so we can recognize we all are one and we deserve as much love and respect.

My heart goes out to all those silenced voices right now, too afraid to embrace themselves because of how cruel this world can be. My admiration and applause go out to those who were brave enough to say fuck it and fight the world everyday just to be themselves and how I wish I could be a part of your elegant community.

I will be an ally until the day I die and I think we all should support each other!!!! LOVE is LOVE. I believe in equality and fairness.

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Passionately

I think in a previous life, I loved very passionately… To the point it would influence my every decision. Love was being my every motive. Every breathe, blink, thought in the name of love…. It was my obsession.

Without love… I was nothing… It was my food, my medicine, my power source, my everything. It was the ulterior motive behind every friendship, every plan. To get the one I “loved” at that moment.

Now I can hardly recall the taste of passion, I vaguely remember what it feels like. To love so deeply it feels like your soul is on fire. I remember I used to live for it breathe for it, however I no longer feel that burn within me.

Maybe I burnt it out, while I was pursuing and got too close.

I’m in love, but I fear I’ll never feel THAT love. Yet I think it’s for the best. I don’t think people are meant to stumble through life unable to see their surroundings being lead by an obsession.

Now I see there’s a world to explore, and I’m confident I’ll fall in love with it than with an individual. I rather be obsessed with the world as whole anyway, because whether your obsessed with it or not, the world determines your life? Why not fall in love with it? Every living thing…. Everything that ever was or will be.

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I Let Him

I let him take my shine away… I let him make me feel small and insignificant as others before. I know it wasn’t his intention but it was the result.

No one is to blame, or if anything it would be obsession with the desire to be loved, even in this relationship that I fought so hard to bring into fruition I don’t feel it.

Mindlessly I scroll through social media, envious of those couples who are seemingly happy and all over each other. Why can’t I have that? As I overhear my significant other on a conference call. When I wake up he doesn’t bother to say “good morning, or how did I sleep?” but instead order me to do something.

I don’t know love very well, but what I do know is I will no longer hand my love on a silver platter to someone who can’t appreciate it or reciprocate it.

Maybe I deserve better.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

Posted in Different Poets, Mask Off, Poetry

What I want

Strong arms

Soft lips

you hold me tight

Love it when I dance with you

I’m not the best dancer

But your the best lover

I couldn’t imagine life without you

Is that what you wanted me to say?

Sorry I’m not prefect

Your no shiny prize either

I deserve someone better

I deserve the love of another

This isn’t love

Its something less deeper

Not love

Not hate

Just not what I want

Better off as friends

Before we rip this thing called

Friendship

Apart

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The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

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Day 14 – Go to Sleep

It’s amazing how peaceful someone looks when they are sound asleep

Angelic almost

Even villains look harmless when they’re asleep

It’s the only time the jadedness they carry with them everyday melts away

Once again inexperienced

As if I got to touch you for the first time…