Posted in Mask Off

Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

Posted in Mask Off

Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

Posted in Mask Off

Hurt me like that

You say you never meant to hurt me like that, once again my face is covered in tears. I don’t get it, did you think it wouldn’t hurt after you disappeared without a rhyme or reason…

Especially after I gave you a piece of my soul, it’s like I’m 14 again and experiencing my first heartbreak the plus is I don’t see you every weekend at youth group and church and we barely have the same friends.

Yet somehow news of you finds it’s way to me, that’s partially my fault I keep on looking to see if there was something I missed. In the rubble we left of this.

Something proving that I’m not crazy and there was a reason a reason you kept for me a reason big enough to ruin something happy and you just couldn’t tell me.

This is a different type of pain it’s not a pain I’m suffering for myself, I don’t feel as if I’m at a loss because I don’t think I ever really lost you.

I’m in pain because you’re in pain and you refuse to let me help you.

It sucks, you would probably tell me to stop caring; but unfortunately I’m a Taurus and that’s against my nature my heart is too big.

There’s not enough special people left in this planet…

So I’ll still try to find out what happened, even when I’m sleeping in the arms of another.

People ask me if I would comeback to you if you suddenly showed up and my answer is “no”

I love you, however I’m pissed at you and I deserve someone who won’t abandon me or if they do they will tell me why they’re leaving or give me some clues to piece it together.

Although I love you I do not trust you… and despite what you think I love myself more than to be in a relationship without trust.

Yet it hurts me that I didn’t have my answer and it hurts even more I can’t take away your pain

So yeah, you didn’t mean to hurt me like this but tears are streaming down my face.

Posted in Mask Off

Lifted

I used to spend my days carrying a weight on my heart and shoulders

“Your weight”

Then in a winters evening while I was looking into a pair of green eyes and suddenly met by the most tender of kisses

All that weight flew off

Years of misery, pining, treachery, deceptions and games gone…

How ever in a short time those green eyes stopped staring into mine

After a few months of fighting for those green eyes to stare into mine

I did everything I could

Then I walked away.

A few weeks after my last departure i thought of you. Then I saw you. Although you made my palms sweaty and my heart race

There wasn’t any misery , anxiety and sadness that your presence subliminally brought me as you flashed me your best smile

For the first time I was in your presence and it wasn’t painful

Even with this radio silence I’m not in pain, I’m not suffering, not for you and not for green eyes

It’s the first time being alone doesn’t feel lonely, and there isn’t misery in your companies

The curse is gone

Posted in Mask Off

You? Baby, A “petty” drug

I don’t really miss you

I just miss your taste

The way you kissed me

Gently and passionately

A hand on my throat the other on my waist

Baby baby you don’t know me

But you know I like affection with a little pain

You had me, had me so good

Better than your friend

Who tried months to get me

Yet with an amazing kiss

I was at the palm of your hand

Writing symphonies and dreaming

Hallucinating

As if we could ever

Be more than just a fuck

That’s what you wanted

You almost got it

Until I said stop

Haven’t touched you ever since

I’m sober now

You have no affect on me

You’re just a petty drug

Posted in Mask Off

Childhood Lost…

I don’t remember much of my childhood before I moved here. I do however remember being very happy, running around the streets of Brazil. Never had I experienced any type of bullying there because most of the kids my age were my friends/family. Being from a small town and born into two very well known and respected families I had it very well.

Back then the saddest thing to have ever happened to me was when Mom and Dad had to go away for a few months without anyway of speaking with them. Leaving me to choose whether I wanted to stay with the nanny and my brothers or live with my grandparents until they returned. Naturally I chose my grandparents and my cousins.

I always had more fun at my grandparents house, in a small town where I knew everyone and I could walk every street without getting lost, it was paradise. I didn’t need adult supervision ever. In-fact in my memories of home, there wasn’t any adults just me and my cousins running around, flying kites and going on endless adventures.

That all changed however, when I immigrated to the U.S at 5, where kids were no longer my friends and told me to go home at every failed attempt I made to speak their language that now flows out of my mouth easier than my own. I lost my childhood, when I came here to New England.

I arrived here in Summer but to me it felt like Winter, since summer weather here matched winter weather in Brazil. It’s always been cold since.

Posted in Mask Off

“K”

So I got the sniffles, my nose is bright pink my throat is sore and I’m squinting even though I’m not trying to see anything.

The common cold seems to have plagued my abode. It struck silently yet it hit me like a deadly blow. In this tempest I find myself reminiscing the last time I got like this. Roughly two years ago…

Different times.

Back then I wasn’t suffering this alone, my bestfriend at that time was taking care of me, she would give me medicine hot tea and soup.

She was not afraid of catching my cold instead she embraced me as her sick child even though she was younger than me. We would tell each other stories to take my mind of the disease. When we weren’t together she would check up on me.

Sometimes even bring me tea while she was out with someone else. I didn’t know the person, she didn’t need to tell me and I even best-friends have things they like to themselves so I never asked, just said thank you for the tea and went back to bed.

During our last fight the only time we really screamed at each other, she said I would regret leaving her and would always remember her at my lowest. She wasn’t entirely wrong…. I do remember her at my lowest. Always

But however I don’t regret leaving her, sometimes you need part ways from a loved one in order to mature and grow. If I never left I wouldn’t grew as much as I did. If ever given the chance to back in time I don’t think I would’ve changed that moment…

Don’t get me wrong as I lie here in the dark body aching, eyes watery, nose runny and breathing heavy. I wouldn’t mind having her next to me talking about her latest adventure, our latest crushes, learning each other’s language, experiences, telling each other secrets and laughing for no reason until we cry from laughing so hard.

It would be good, but I also grew up enough to realize somethings don’t get second chances and learned not miss the past but reflect on it in bad times use the memories for warmth and be grateful that I got to experience such amazing things.

It would be childish of me to hold on to try to rewind time…. and cry when I realize it’s gone. No I’m happy that get to close my eyes and hear her laugh and see her smile when I need it.

That’s enough for me.

Goodnight

Posted in Mask Off

Love or Be Loved

I’m sure everyone at least one point played “would you rather?” if not they heard of it.

But for the people who never played it or heard of it. It’s actually an interesting game, you are faced with two difficult choices and you have to CHOOSE one.

Would you rather freeze to death or burn to death (not dying is not an option).

It’s hard because they are both pretty terrible. But it also can go to two extreme goods like would you rather “love or be loved.” It’s safe to say most of us want both right?

However you can only pick one.

The most common answer I usually hear is “Be Loved”. A lot of people just want to be loved and I don’t blame them.

But for me. I always choose to “love”.

I know I sound crazy…. Hear me out though.

When you love someone, it’s your choice  “kind of” you can’t help what you feel towards people but you make the choice whether or not they will participate in your life. If you choose “yes” then you’re allowing yourself to love them by being around them.

So you’re somewhat in control, and if they disappoint you, it’s that easy for you to walk away…

To be loved however, i find it much harder and more frightening because you want to cultivate that affection, so you have to live up to their expectations, but it’s human nature to drop the ball sometimes.

To me is scarier to disappoint someone, than be disappointed.

As selfish as this sounds I rather feel they are not enough, than me not being enough. For that reason, healthy relationships, prince charming, polite men. SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME

I will always be drawn to the bad boys who couldn’t care less for me, emotionally unavailable, or just as sick as me.

When it doesn’t work out, I don’t feel bad.

“it’s not me, it’s you.”

Posted in Poetry

When broken hearts mend

i’m waiting but i’m impatient…

very impatient…

he told me you would be here..

but you’re not.

 

where are you

we need to speak

it been weeks

since i don’t hear you breathe

 

are you alive

is this a lie

that I’m no longer on your mind

 

if its the truth

its fine

its been sometime

you left mine

 

it’s just

we have unfinished business

you have a debt

the floor needs to be swept

 

after that

we can both relax

no longer foes

maybe even friends

 

because thats, that will be the end

when broken hearts mend….

-G.S

Posted in Mask Off

Page 2: Arabella

Rewind, before it got to this point….

There was love, happiness and sun. Arabella and Thomas we’re a match made in heaven.

So perfectly did their hands intertwine, even the haters couldn’t deny their magic.

But Arabella was a “whore”…

Or so the story goes amongst the commoners.

Thomas well, Thomas was a noble man from a foreign land… with a pure heart and a naive mind.

When he heard the rumors , even though unable to stay away from the sun kissed

raven hair beauty. He could not shake the cruel words of the others.

His heart didn’t believe it and loved her regardless. But his mind often wondered whenever she wasn’t around.

“Arabella a whore…”

Page 2