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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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Page 2: Arabella

Rewind, before it got to this point….

There was love, happiness and sun. Arabella and Thomas we’re a match made in heaven.

So perfectly did their hands intertwine, even the haters couldn’t deny their magic.

But Arabella was a “whore”…

Or so the story goes amongst the commoners.

Thomas well, Thomas was a noble man from a foreign land… with a pure heart and a naive mind.

When he heard the rumors , even though unable to stay away from the sun kissed

raven hair beauty. He could not shake the cruel words of the others.

His heart didn’t believe it and loved her regardless. But his mind often wondered whenever she wasn’t around.

“Arabella a whore…”

Page 2

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Change

I think one of the most beautiful things about life is that, if you’re unhappy you always can one day wake up and change everything, how you dress, how you eat, how you treat others and how you think.

You aren’t tied down to one identity forever. You literally can be whoever you want just as long as you believe it.

If you don’t stop changing either for the worst or for the better (hopefully for the better)

You are not living

So if you’re having a bad day, month, year, etc.

Go and change! Liberate yourself.

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I’m Not Ashamed

I’m not ashamed

Of the things I done

The things I said

Whether in person

Or via text

I am who I am

A person

With a stubborn heart

Universe in my mind

Finding light in the dark

Most in my place

Wouldn’t show their face

Once they realized their mistake

However I face them with no disgrace

It’s my cross that was placed

I can carry its weight

Sometimes it gets heavy

Life escapes me

But I push myself back up

Brush off the dust

I believe in God

He told me to carry this

Because gave me his trust

I’ve betrayed many

But for him my loyalty is steady

For he knows my heart

Understand my soul

Keeps all the secrets

That no one knows

Shows me after every end a new start

-G.S

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White Noise

I’m wearing clothes

But I feel bare

I can’t see you

Yet I can feel your stare

 

Treat me like a child

Ask questions

You already know

The answer to

 

Even though we are inside

My mind is outside this room

As I listen to is the birds

Singing their soothing tune

 

It doesn’t matter what I say

Your mind already has been made

Others corrupted the truth

Anything i say is white noise

 

So ill get up

Leave soon

Tired of fighting vicious lies

Believe in what you want, i tried

 

 

 

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The grass is always greener

Today I had the luxury of spending the day with one of my closest childhood friends. At some point in our various conversations. One really stuck with me, to which she replied to an answer of mine. “I hate people like you..” in annoyance.

The question she gave me was why I was always scared of going to summer school throughout middle school and high-school.

To that I said ” i never really liked school, i never really tried, i just did the bare minimum and hoped somehow it would get me by and was absolutely shocked when i was invited to participate in Science National Honors Society since i never put an effort”

Then she replied. “I hate people like you, who gets all the lemons handed to them to make lemonade, while people like me actually put in effort and work to get one lemon.”

What she didn’t know there are lot of things she has that i would love to have. Like a stable relationship instead of countless heartbreak and disappointments. Emotional and mental maturity to handle tough situations in a rational and adult manner. More compassion and open-mindedness to be more of a team player, instead of lone wolf.

So in a sense yeah it’s awesome to be “like me” sometimes, getting academic work done and Acing tests without even trying, being at the top of the pack just by simply showing interest. I get past school without caring that much or any sleepless nights.

I’m sure that makes a lot of hardworking people frustrated…

I get it the frustration. But don’t be, everything comes with a price. I pay that price everyday, every-time I am faced with a social situation.

it’s better to be hardworking, than aloof and brilliant in my opinion

So if you have to put in the extra effort to get the same result as me while i’m sleeping in. Don’t get angry. There is nothing to be jealous of.

While your friends and family are most likely going to your soccer games and inviting you to parties, i’m staring at the bleachers during halftime hoping someone came for me, and to no surprise all of high school it was usually empty.

Oh, and the first house party i went to was second year of college.

Enough said. No one can have it all. So be happy with what you have don’t hate others for what you lack. It’s not their fault. It’s life. We are all equally imperfect.

C’est la vie

 

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Take the masks off

Ever stop to think…

Who were you…? You know who were you before the world gave you your first scar. Because isn’t that what we are just a collection, of scars and memories. Our experiences doesn’t it.. set us apart in a way?

So back to the question… Who were you before your first heartbreak and it doesn’t necessarily need to be romantic because a heart can break a thousand ways.

Did you trust blindly, did you love fearlessly, was the world pure and without sin, did you never tell a lie, were you kinder, maybe transparent, did you show your emotions. Most importantly? was your mask off?

Now that you stopped and thought, i’m sure most of you realized you’re wearing a mask hiding what you once were. Because if anyone saw the real you, you fear you would be weak, and vulnerable like when you were before.

But jokes on you, you were your best self when you weren’t afraid to be yourself.

So here we go…

Screw it mask off…