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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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Passionately

I think in a previous life, I loved very passionately… To the point it would influence my every decision. Love was being my every motive. Every breathe, blink, thought in the name of love…. It was my obsession.

Without love… I was nothing… It was my food, my medicine, my power source, my everything. It was the ulterior motive behind every friendship, every plan. To get the one I “loved” at that moment.

Now I can hardly recall the taste of passion, I vaguely remember what it feels like. To love so deeply it feels like your soul is on fire. I remember I used to live for it breathe for it, however I no longer feel that burn within me.

Maybe I burnt it out, while I was pursuing and got too close.

I’m in love, but I fear I’ll never feel THAT love. Yet I think it’s for the best. I don’t think people are meant to stumble through life unable to see their surroundings being lead by an obsession.

Now I see there’s a world to explore, and I’m confident I’ll fall in love with it than with an individual. I rather be obsessed with the world as whole anyway, because whether your obsessed with it or not, the world determines your life? Why not fall in love with it? Every living thing…. Everything that ever was or will be.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

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Day 10 – Place Holder Friends

So I’m going to make up a new term for certain type of friendships. I’m going to call them placeholder friends

Just like in mathematics the number zero is a place holder number it exists but has no value it’s just there to look pretty

Place holder friends are the same way they are there to fill the gaps, but would I go on adventures with them randomly and talk about that time in middle school when…

Or even speak to them other to remind myself of how many “friends” I have, probably wouldn’t. But they aren’t exactly acquaintances either because they know me a little better than most people so they kind of get grandfathered into the friend category

However there’s a lot of them, so now I’m referring them as placeholder friends, for lack of a better term

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Day 8- Rich white man

Sometimes I wonder,

Would my life be easier if I was a rich white man, if I could afford to make you shut up

If I could pay away my problems and use my sex as a power

How easy must it be to walk away from your problems when your virtually untouchable

When your race shields you your green eyes empowers you your penis let’s you go everywhere you like most importantly your money shuts all your problems up

Must be nice, can’t relate

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Day 5- you know what?!

I literally just woke up, and I put on one of my sexiest underwear and I looked myself in the mirror totally feeling myself

Even though I gained some weight still feeling myself

Then I stared at myself a little more and I thought man if only ____ could see this he would love it. Shortly after at that thought I put my shirt down

And I was like “No! He doesn’t deserve me anymore! Where did my self respect go?! If he ever wants this again he better earn it!”

Then I smiled because I realized I’m starting to love myself again… and starting to realize he’s not as great as I thought, and this is the beginning of what can be an amazing day ✨

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Day 1 – Drama Free

Pro tips for a drama free life

– burn sage

– meditate

– if you’re getting stressed about what a certain group of people are thinking or saying about you CUT THEM OFF even if they’re your “friends” real friends don’t have you watching over shoulder and feeling like you need to be on your A game to hang

-Tea drink a lot of teaaa and water

– Read books

– Party less sleep more!

– Do one nice thing for yourself daily, be nice to yourself… (still working on that one)

-Most importantly trust God, The Universe whatever higher power you believe in trust them that they will make everything a okay! 🥰