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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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PSA: There’s no formula to love

Sorry to break it to you, but there isn’t a formula to love. There isn’t if you do this + that = undying love

Truth is you can be fucking perfect, and still get cheated on, you can be the worst person ever and still be loved unconditionally, and on rare occasions you both can be great and live a happily fucking ever after

Some people say “you have to play the game right”. Throw your game out the window alright, gtf away from me with your games. I repeat no one’s heart should be a fucking game.

If you think playing a game and winning is the key to love. Grow up. I honestly feel bad for you and your person. That must be emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not living your emotions to fullest.

Love isn’t warfare, don’t strategize it as such. It’s actually quite fucking simple, love and be loved, the best part there isn’t a rule book it’s up to you and your partner’s discretion to make it up as you go. Whatever love looks like for you. That’s your definition to make.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

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Day 1 – Drama Free

Pro tips for a drama free life

– burn sage

– meditate

– if you’re getting stressed about what a certain group of people are thinking or saying about you CUT THEM OFF even if they’re your “friends” real friends don’t have you watching over shoulder and feeling like you need to be on your A game to hang

-Tea drink a lot of teaaa and water

– Read books

– Party less sleep more!

– Do one nice thing for yourself daily, be nice to yourself… (still working on that one)

-Most importantly trust God, The Universe whatever higher power you believe in trust them that they will make everything a okay! 🥰

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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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September Sorrows

Why do we always bring up the weather when we don’t know what to say? Is it because it’s something everyone can relate to for the most part.

My favorite question to ask is “what’s your favorite color?” Why? Because most people don’t give a shit of what your favorite color is, to the point some people forget the answer to that question.

In a way it’s like an activation question to take you out of this state of hypnosis and to remind you that once a upon a time you were a child and your favorite color meant a great deal to you, because back then the world wasn’t so bland

; out of a multitude of options “blue” was your favorite.

Now it’s easier to talk, I’m not speaking to the generic person which society forced you to be, no longer telling me only things I want to hear and leaving out the parts of you that might be disturbing to me.

That simple question made it possible for me to get to know a piece of the real you without you even realizing.

So “what’s your favorite color?”


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Everything and Nothing

You’re my bestfriend

The one I tell all my secrets too

At the same time

My worst enemy

The one that cuts the deepest

Yet you’re my lover

Who’s touches leave me breathless

Also my peace

The sound of your voice soothes me to sleep

Most days my happiness

At the sight of you no tears are present

Most importantly you’re my courage Because when it comes to you I’m not afraid to say “love” and mean it wholeheartedly

Posted in Mask Off, My Story

Wonderful ✨

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if we could all communicate like adults verbally, politely, and thoroughly without disrespect, pride or fear.

Wouldn’t be a wonderful world, to accept that there are kind people in the world who still care and love you regardless of how much you hurt them because they know your heart and they just want you to be okay no strings attached.

Wouldn’t that be so fucking cool? To respect and love one another just cause? To face everything you fear with a straight face good or bad.

I learned these things at a young age; when life gave me no where to run except to face an uncomfortable situation… I been facing them ever since.

However some people are older than me and still doesn’t get the meaning of this. Nevertheless I’ll will mention them in my prayers and not give up.

Because if it wasn’t for my friends who didn’t give up on me when I was being unreasonable, uncommunicative, disrespectful in every aspect of the word. I don’t know where I would be today.

So I swore to myself I can lose my mind, I can lose trust, even my heart. But I’ll never fully turn my back on someone. I’ll never completely lose my patience.

I will always be there for who needs me, even when they don’t think they do.


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Hurt me like that

You say you never meant to hurt me like that, once again my face is covered in tears. I don’t get it, did you think it wouldn’t hurt after you disappeared without a rhyme or reason…

Especially after I gave you a piece of my soul, it’s like I’m 14 again and experiencing my first heartbreak the plus is I don’t see you every weekend at youth group and church and we barely have the same friends.

Yet somehow news of you finds it’s way to me, that’s partially my fault I keep on looking to see if there was something I missed. In the rubble we left of this.

Something proving that I’m not crazy and there was a reason a reason you kept for me a reason big enough to ruin something happy and you just couldn’t tell me.

This is a different type of pain it’s not a pain I’m suffering for myself, I don’t feel as if I’m at a loss because I don’t think I ever really lost you.

I’m in pain because you’re in pain and you refuse to let me help you.

It sucks, you would probably tell me to stop caring; but unfortunately I’m a Taurus and that’s against my nature my heart is too big.

There’s not enough special people left in this planet…

So I’ll still try to find out what happened, even when I’m sleeping in the arms of another.

People ask me if I would comeback to you if you suddenly showed up and my answer is “no”

I love you, however I’m pissed at you and I deserve someone who won’t abandon me or if they do they will tell me why they’re leaving or give me some clues to piece it together.

Although I love you I do not trust you… and despite what you think I love myself more than to be in a relationship without trust.

Yet it hurts me that I didn’t have my answer and it hurts even more I can’t take away your pain

So yeah, you didn’t mean to hurt me like this but tears are streaming down my face.