Posted in Mask Off

12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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I Knew, I know

I knew he loved me not because he said it, but because from the moment he met me he never promised me anything. He didn’t make plans with me that never were going to happen, he didn’t lie to me and make me believe in something that didn’t exist just to get into bed with me.

What I learned is a lot of people will lie, to get a taste of you and leave as soon as they do whether they want to admit to it or not.

He didn’t, even when he let me go, he watched over me, during a drunk night even after a fight he give me water; didn’t let me call a cab and would drive me home.

I knew he loved me, because he had every opportunity to waste my time and he didn’t, and even though he knew he was the best version of himself with me, he left because he knew I deserved better.

I knew he loved me, because if I were to walk in the same room as him he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of me.

I know he loves me, because he would sacrifice everything for my well being over and over again, regardless of circumstances, even his own happiness.

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The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

Posted in Mask Off, Poetry

Supply and Demand

You sir,

You are not nice

If you were nice you wouldn’t of left me to wander

Asking questions and second guessing

Everyone and everything

If you were nice you wouldn’t of ruined love for me

If you were nice you would’ve

Talked to me, before you left

You would’ve said goodbye

Most importantly told me how and why

So I could still believe in the good in men

Instead of feeling stupid

For letting you take me to the top of the world

Only to push me down

Without any rhyme or reason

Simply just cause

Cause what?

I no longer believe in love

Just ulterior motives

Supply and demand

Usefulness and exchanges

If there ever was magic its gone

No longer to be found


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Sounds of Change

I like the sound of the car purr

the lights click when you’re about to take a turn

The wet tires on the ground

Most of all I love the silence in between us

Which allows me to appreciate all these other sounds

Of us going somewhere, anywhere

Not staying in the same place…. the sound of change.

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Unorthodox Villains and YOU

When my brothers and I were little, my middle brother (older than me but not the oldest) had a habit of breaking toys each time my parents gave him one.

This started around 4 I think, and the reason being is he was trying to figure out what made them tick, see what’s inside. I don’t know what he was hoping to find but what I know is, he was trying to understand.

On his mission to understand unintentionally he broke it in the process, but curiosity, thirst, hunger for knowledge does that to people sometimes.

I’m the same way but with people… A lot of people try to get close to me and I often have to show them my warning label caution “Do Not Get Too Close, Might Break You” but of course no one ever reads the warning labels I look harmless, they go for it anyway.

Silly me forever hopeful that there will be someone who will withstand this, lets them in. In the end I do not know who ended up more broken in this process.

Whenever I get close to someone, I have a bad habit of getting inside their head dissecting them as I try to figure what makes them, “unique”.

Everyone on the surface is not really that different… I mean they are, but they really aren’t.

They’re just kind of you know, following societal protocol in some way or another.

So in order to really get to know a person you have to get inside, unfortunately for me I don’t know how to see inside, without breaking them.

I like villains, in stories… My mom says that always worried her, how I always like messed up people and villains in stories as opposed to having healthy and normal relationships and cheering for the heroes.

Villains are unique, they’re complex, and so misunderstood.

What makes a Villain a “Villain”? when you really think about it, it’s the perception of others… It’s people’s unwillingness to get to know them because they aren’t following protocol. If they do not get a labeled a “Villain” for their out of the box thinking, they get labeled “Insane, Pyscho, Crazy, Mad, Tapped, etc” which might as well call them a “Villain” because after all they are different words for the same purpose, to “oppress”.

Don’t get me wrong, not all people who fall into those categories are “misunderstood” just like not all people who fall into positive categories such as “heroes, just, fair, kind, spectacular, etc” are actually those things.

Long story short, some religious (moral men) do molest children, rape women etc, and some thieves, homeless, lost, do save lives and have more soul then any religious (moral) leaders.

Things aren’t black and white.

However, people are so quickly to forgive “heroes” for their immoralities and sweep it under the rug.

Even quicker to let “villains” good deeds go unnoticed and condemn them even more for a slight misstep.

When really when you think about it the real villains are the ones who manipulate their image looking perfect all the time but in the end, are the most immoral of people…

Yet society loves them!

I always accidentally break people, because every time someone lets me in I bring my flash light, and I tend to show them as I make my way in; they aren’t as perfect, good, moral and kind as they thought they were.

In order to properly get/understand a person you need to get to know their cracks, their weaknesses, because truly it is our flaws that sets us apart and makes us well “unique”

People resent “Villains/Insane” because they embrace the truth regardless of their nature.

When people let me in, I tend to make them realize that they aren’t as perfect, moral and kind as they thought themselves to be.

Which in turn makes them meltdown, shut me out and most importantly “hate me”

For showing them something they didn’t want to know, for showing their true reflection in the mirror and isn’t as pretty as when the mirror was dirty.

They hate me for being so calm, at this truth, because of my calmness they think I’m a villain for showing them such atrocity the human soul can be, most importantly because of my calmness and my flashlight they think that I think I’m better than them, because I’m not afraid.

When I try to explain, the decision was made they kick me out slam the door, before I can show them how to embrace the dark and realize that, that’s their most unique part.

Once you recognize your weakness that’s when you acquire your biggest strengths, when you find a flash light with infinite battery and never be in the darkness again.

So I have bad habit of breaking people, when I get close to them, I have a bad habit of showing the ugly truth.

Most people rather think they are heroes, for playing by the rules and following protocols, when the truth is we are all complex as villains and psychos.

Most people the can’t accept that.

Can’t accept that they’re more than just “ordinary” for the good or for the bad.

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Be Selfish

For the most part throughout our lives we are taught being selfish is a bad thing, and you should always put others before you in order to be a “good” and “considerate” person, this might not be necessarily true in all cultures and bless them for not having this mindset.

In Western culture for the most part being selfish is wrong. With that mindset they fucked up.

The other cultures who don’t practice selfness above selfishness know that, in order to be a truly effective selfless person you need to be selfish.


Yeah, well it’s true, in order to give back and think of others and being considerate effectively you have to be 100% in touch with yourself.

To be 100% in touch with yourself you NEED to be selfish, you NEED to cancel those plans with your friend because you are tired and need to sleep, you NEED to tell your significant other to wash their own damn dishes because it’s simply not your job to pick up after them all the time, you NEED acknowledge that your friend has crossed the line regardless of the amount of times they saved your life and walk away from them,

Most importantly you NEED to stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.

Be selfish be angry, tell so and so they fucked up cause they did cause it will make you feel better. express yourself. Stop being so considerate all the fucking time.

When you stop being considerate, and selfless and stop taking shit from people, you learn more about yourself. After 24hours of doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, when you want to do it, and just speaking however you want to speak no constraints.
You kind of get this super power, and with that super power you realize all those times you were “selfless” you weren’t really selfless because you were acting in a form to maintain an image follow an unspoken social rule

After you break all the rules and realize its actually healthy and not bad, when you choose to be selfless you are actually “selfless” because it isn’t an unspoken obligation but because you actually chose to be selfless knowing that you could be selfish.

makes sense?

If you do something out of duty and obligation you aren’t really doing something, but if you do it because it was your choice and you wanted to then you are 100% there and the whole point of selflessness is for it to be 100% you.