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12.16.2020 – Snow Day

Snow days remind me of home, a place I didn’t leave to long ago. It inspires me to look within myself and remember who I used to be.

For a while I forgot what I loved… I forgot that writing as a piece of me and having a voice was so important.

I’ll let today be the beginning, beginning of the end. End to a dull life, end to giving up on my dreams. The beginning to being who I’m supposed to be.

Thank you snow.

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What Is…

I’m not sure what to write.. I had so many ideas before I got here. Now my mind just went completely blank.. However I love the sound the keys make when I press them and how they feel under my fingers as without looking I create words and stories. It’s as if somehow the universe is in my hands to bend and will it however I like.

I guess my story today can be how I’m a spoiled girl. But through tons of failed relationships, lost opportunities and even unemployment. It took one patient man and complicated relationship to make me realize that enough to want to make a change…

24 years and now I finally learned that it isn’t right to throw a fit when things do not happen at the snap of a finger. In fact it’s unjust and cruel to demand other wise especially of a person. Life happens at it’s own pace and the more you fight the harder it gets. The best I can do is let that spoiled brat go and become an adult and accept the cliche “change what you can and accept what you cannot” or something like that.

Learning to accept it’s the hard part. That’s why I write, because it’s the only place I can bend my reality to my will. A little vacation…and peace of mind, while I learn to accept what is.

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Un complacency

So for the past couple of months I kind of have been shutting myself out from the world.

Alienating myself in every way and I also realized that’s not good for me or for my loved ones, because I’m hard to be around when I’m in the head space… so I’m going to take baby steps to come out of my cave and be a part of society again.

About two years ago I had back to back catastrophes in my life and my instinct was to retreat, however I grown complacent with this unhealthy state, confided in just one person and no one deserves carrying all that weight.

So I need to get it together… and be better and that’s what I’m going to do within the following months just find my better self again.

Stay tuned for a mass production of art and stories as I go through this journey of coming into the world again. Wish me luck ✨

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Secrets of the Notes

It’s crazy the amount of conversations that will never happen I write down In my notes. Books that will never be read, thoughts that will never be spoken, stories that will never be told.

I probably already created a million universes by now, broke up with you a million times, married you five seconds later, became a world famous author had three kids and a dog. Yet none will ever know

All hypothetical situations that never came into fruition hanging out at the palm of my hand… Only the virtual pages of my notes has experienced them yet will never tell a single soul…

How much I thought created, loved, laughed, lived inside my head day after day year after year never having the courage to bring it to reality. The secrets in my notes. How badly I wanted… everything and more.

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6.30.19

There was a time I had it all, I was one of the beautiful people, the one everyone wanted be friends with. Where I walked I walked as if I owned the place. I clothed in luxury, I was invited to everything even places I technically wasn’t supposed to be in.

My days were filled with laughter, and I had two best friends that completed me. Sure we had our highs and lows but I always knew no matter what in their hearts I had a home. It was a beautiful life, we were the beautiful people, tables, bottle service, and sports cars included.

The crazy thing is, even though I was surrounded I felt somewhat lonely. At some point all the parties, drugs and alcohol blended into one.

Yet there was a certain high in being the center of attention, topic of conversation always. Then there was a certain low, not being able to leave my house without being spotted, everywhere I went it seems that there was always someone who knew everything I “allegedly” did. I say “allegedly” because some stories were subject to exaggeration. However that doesn’t really matter, to the people saying it.

It’s really hard to change, to grow, evolve when people expect you to be a certain way a certain person. I guess two things is certain in this life “reputation” and “death”.

However when I was 19 and tasting life for the first time, both felt very unreal to me, the kind of things that happen to everyone else but “me”.

Fast forward I am 24, beautiful people, table, bottle service and sports cars doesn’t impress me anymore, in fact it makes me want to throw up like the sound of the word “alcohol” during a bad hang over. I thought I would want that life forever, but at some point it got old having so many people thinking they had editing rights to my story.

It wasn’t by choice that I left that life, however it is my choice that I refuse to go back. It is my choice that I keep everyone at arms length and don’t let people in like I used to. Throughout my fall I learned so much about myself, how easily manipulated I can be, how much importance I give people and their thoughts, how hard I love and how selfless I am. With that I became a hermit within myself, no longer radiating myself like I used to.

22 I met a very important man in my life, who made me human. Something I wasn’t for a long time, who made me feel safe and gave me a home, showed me it was okay to speak about pain, everything that people tell you never to say out loud. Just like he came into my life he left, his parting gift to me was humanity, he broke me, killed me so I could be born again.

23 I met another man, also important to me, yet nothing like the other. It’s he who was in the same place I was a year ago, who forgot what it was like to be human, this man has taught me control of my emotions. Although it’s okay to speak my truth, there is a way to go about it, and if I lose myself in my emotions I lose much more than myself but people and opportunities because not everyone no matter how much they love me can understand and endure it’s intensity. In turn he tries to learn to understand without letting go, and becomes more human in a way he never imagined in the process.

24 he said I will never be more than a friend, and that made my heart cold… I felt a certain type of loneliness that I can’t even explain, it’s falling asleep beside someone you love but feeling like they’re in another planet, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to walk away hoping they will just turn over and say “hey, I love you okay?”… and they didn’t mean it, when they said never. Yet I know I deserve better, a love that will love me back with the same amount of intensity, determination, that I love him. Yet I can’t let go, even though he doesn’t say the words to him I mean the world.

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The secret to forever

Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, well whoever said that was wishful thinking while they were waiting to get that text back…

My dream in life is to find, that everlasting love. The one that doesn’t end or cause your heart to shatter into pieces. I been dating people since I was 14! I won’t make this exclusive to romantic love… I will throw friendships in as well, because when you think about it a best friend is a lot like a romantic relationship minus the sex.

So I dated and befriended all sorts of people!!!! Each has been an experience and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I had a better grip on what to do in the beginning of this journey than where I am now.

 The reason being when you are at the start , life hasn’t made you jaded yet, the idea of love is just this wonderful ball of positivity and awe. Nothing can possibly go wrong, and without fear it’s really easy to keep your thoughts and emotions in check.

You can separate reality, dreams and bias; see a situation for what it is. As people become more jaded sometimes they all mix together and well its no bueno (not good). Then fight or flight kicks in and so far everyone that I encountered flies. I flew away sometimes too. Because when you been hurt so much, you never want to be hurt like that again. 

Why try? when there’s seven billion people in the world to start over with. The thing is though, if you always find yourself in the same predicament. Maybe the problem isn’t the other person… maybe it’s you or maybe it’s them too. 

The difference between a successful and a toxic relationship, is the amount of belief and work that is put in by both parties.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP,  that doesn’t fucking exist. As long as you are dating a HUMAN sorry that’s never going to fucking happen.

If your relationship is effortless, then you should be scared, cause your significant other is probably hiding a shit load of things from you, or you’re refusing to see reality for what it is.

A relationship is work, compromise, arguments, love, resilience, belief, trust, etc.

A ship goes up and down with the waves, so does a relationSHIP. 

A little distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

However too much distance makes the heart stop beating all together. My parents been married for over 30 years, other couples that I known that been together over  20 years always tell me the same thing, when I ask if they ever broke up or took a break. 

They tell me NEVER. 

That’s why they are still together. Because the ugly truth about life is, as much as we crave, desire, need and thirst for love… and company.

Once you get to know your partner, you realize life is easier alone. Because once you’re in it, your life isn’t your own anymore. If you love control you find it way harder to control life when you are sharing it with another. So if you walk away more than a few steps, you may never look back again.

Humans we are selfish by nature, and in our selfishness we’ll leave it all behind. 

However if you do not allow yourself room for selfishness, and although you’re itching to run away you choose to stay every time, just like going to the gym it gets easier. Until it’s no longer a choice anymore it’s just routine what you do. You’ll be with the same person forever and if they believe in fighting instead of running away they will stay with you too.

That’s the secret to forever.

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OxyMORON

I used to be entitled, maybe I still am…

It wasn’t on purpose I swear! but then again maybe it isn’t on purpose for most people. Nobody ever told me their next level problems, and stories so I assumed they didn’t have any, because I was an open book and overshared so I thought everyone was the same.

Therefore If they didn’t talk about it, they didn’t have it. Btw this is extremely embarrassing to admit now that I know better. Suddenly I found myself thinking “oh that’s why ____ resented the shit out of me.” because for most people, this kind of ignorance comes off as “wow she’s so narcissistic to the point she thinks her problems are more important then everyone’s” .

However, in my ignorance I honestly wasn’t aware that people had demons just like me, I honestly believed everyone who didn’t say anything had it together, and people who never expressed negative emotions were always happy.

It’s a delusional way to live, maybe childish, because children just think everyone is telling the truth and see everything at face value, and that’s how I lived if you don’t show it you don’t feel it, if you don’t talk about it then it doesn’t exist.

Then as friendships, and relationships fizzled I finally realized, just because someone says they’re “good, listening, honest, compassionate” doesn’t mean they actually ARE. Which was really earth shattering for me as a person who genuinely believed people always told the truth and meant what they said. It sucked.

People lie, people aren’t wishing the best for you all the time, they don’t have the best intentions and most importantly even though they say they are listening odds are they are absolutely not.

As a writer, poet and lover of books and words, they mean everything to me. Yet, I keep discovering I live in a world words are pretty much meaningless. People just talk and talk and talk and say nothing.

So to avoid entitlement, I learned another language, body language.

The interesting thing about body language it’s one of the hardest languages to lie in. Like for example when you say

“I don’t, want to be with you but you, kiss me and pull me close against your heart and hold me as much as you can.”

“or when someone says I care about you as a person above anything but constantly pressures you to have intercourse with them”

my favorite “when a person says I’m listening, but the second you stop speaking they tell you, you are wrong disregarding everything you ever said”

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I Win

im depressed but, I don’t really have a reason to be. my depression is more of a chemical issue.

where my rational and consciousness tries to fight this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness with logic.

with stories of a magical life that I been living, one that people make lifetime movies about.

logically although I do have some traumas that would make some people gasp at the sight of me still being alive (but doesn’t everyone though)

However even with those traumas the moments of happiness the moments of sheer bliss, adventure and excitement surpass all the bad things.

yet what people don’t understand about depression, it’s more than just a feeling of sadness, it’s cancer to the soul and the mind, it’s a fight everyday within yourself just to try to stay above water.

although your mind is happy and grateful your soul is sick, and to be honest, maybe the only treatment is resilience and not letting it take your will to live, to love, to dream, inspire.

im still figuring it out, maybe I never will. my body is healthy but my soul it isn’t. i am at war with myself, however everyday that I wake up, that I write or draw and do something other then just lay in bed…

Is a day that I win.

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Surviving Childhood

I first started to write at the age of 9,

It was my escape from reality, living in a country and a place I never felt welcomed in, I decided to create a world of my own.

A world without so much pain, a world where magic exists at every turn. Everyday I would come home from school and write about me and my two best friends.

In my world we were princesses and when we got into fights they became witches, and when we made up the curse was reversed and they were back to princesses.

Where us three would rule our kingdom for all of eternity.

Do whatever we want, like eat loads of chocolate and stay up past midnight. It was really fun.

In my diary everyday was an adventure full of light…

Maybe I couldn’t apply the light to my real life back then; but in my diary it could’ve been a day where I went home crying because kids were making fun of me since I couldn’t speak English; yet at the end of the night I would sneak into my little world with my pen and paper, and have the best time of my life.

With my best friends, and thats how I survived my childhood.

4

 

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A Writer

What is  a writer?

A writer is an observer of life… A person that pays attention to every detail and sees what other people fail to see.

There is deepness to a writer, a need for meaning with every word that is spoken and not spoken.

An artist of life, capturing each moments, with their words. They take pictures, and in each word they write they create an image, a special picture.

In which they live, or would like to live in. Some are perfectionist, they take the imperfect and in their stories create a world of perfection.

With no wars, hatred or sadness. Each book, each scripture is a door another dimension other than this.

To be a writer, is to be emotional… to be crazy… to believe that if you dream hard enough you can make impossibilities possibilities.

Most importantly to be a writer, is to be free,